Hello A lvls!

*panics*

Yup, its the A levels. Spent slightly more than 1.5 years preparing for this hell. Worse, I'm not ready. I can truthfully say that I'm NOT READY for this. Been doing TYS questions all the time, don't even WANT to touch prelim questions coz I'm scared of hell of what I'll be seeing.

Oh well, at least I tried, that's all I can say and do. I'll just give it my all. Expect the worse but pray for the best. *sigh*. Running on adrenaline these few days, and verging on a panic spree. I'll just have to pull in my emotions and keep them under heavy-duty lockdown until after the A lvls. I'll panic all I want after A's. Now, I'll just have to try to face this monster. On the bright side, I never regretted coming to JC. Its been a good experience.

Anyways, good luck to all my friends taking A levels. =). Just put in your best and see what happens yeah?

mommy gave up...

As scary as it sounds. My mom gave up on my bro and I. Trust me, this is a VERY scary though.

Basically, my bro didn't do too well in HIS exams. And its streaming this year for him. Time to choose subject combination, and he OUGHT to do well to get into the subject combination of his choice. But, he failed Maths and the rest of his subjects were borderline passes. I kinda feel bad for him, coz *I* scolded him, my mom scolded him, and pretty much anybody in the family with the right to scold him did scold him. I just got peeved off I supposed. I spent HOURS teaching him, putting my own revision on hold just coz he had his exams coming up and rushing home to teach him his maths. In the end, he still failed. Its not as if I don't want to put in the effort, I really put in my hardest regarding to my bro. I put HIS education before my own. I suppose the only problem was that I was too soft on him perhaps? He had tuition everyday from monday to friday before his exams, and I was perhaps too lenient on him those days. I gave him minimal questions and allowed him to watch TV and play games to destress. Perhaps I ought to have just been harsher with him. BUT, I do NOT appreciate my mom telling me that I ought to have tried harder. That its just because I did not give him ample attention that HE failed. I see my friends, and I see them ignoring their younger siblings. I see some of my friends fighting with their younger siblings. I see myself rushing home after a long and tiring day at school just to get home in time to start teaching my brother, and I see myself getting part of the blame for my brother's results.

Oh well, what's done is done. Thankfully, he only failed maths. The rest were borderline, but I'm just hoping that he'll do better for O levels.

Now, my own. Fine, I suppose its really my own fault. I didn't prioritise properly. I was too focused on short term gratification rather than long term goals. I'd rather have the fun here and now rather than work for a hazy *maybe*. But still, its not as if I *want* to fail. Trust me, if I could give up a year of my life just to pass this bloody A levels, I would.

I asked mom to sign my prelim slip today. She just told me that she's giving up on my bro and I. Perhaps we ought to look into things that doesn't need qualification. After all, she doesn't have much qualification and she's doing pretty well in her career. It kinda hurts to hear her contemplate such things, especially with 12 days to go till the exams. IF I had gotten the A level results back, and I did as badly as I did for the prelims (or worse), then I would understand. But she's just doing all these just over PRELIMS.

*sigh*. This kinda suck. I don't regret my decision to come to PJC. I've made great friends, and i've had wonderful moments these 2 years that's forever etched in my memory. But sometimes, I'd just wish that they'll see the bigger picture. Shouldn't they be glad that I'm not on drugs, puffing my life away while sleeping with anybody who even looks at me that way? Shouldn't they be glad that I'm home teaching my brother and playing my games rather than out with gangs?

Parents always say that they'll rather have their children at home than out with gangs, that they'll rather have their kids still at school with bad results than out dealing drugs. Yet, when you're all these things, they want more. They want grade A kids. They want you to be 'perfect'.

Well, I can't be perfect. I tried, I tried so many times. I can't withstand pressure all that well. I cave in easily. I like to play my games. I like to chat with friends and I like to take my time and procrastinate. Suddenly, this is all bad just coz I got a bloody bad result. Its like she's LABELLING me based on a bloody piece of paper saying that I FAILED. That since I failed at SCHOOL, I FAIL AT BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER TOO!

Fuck this, its seriously annoying. For once, I just wish she'll stop linking MY RESULTS to MY PERSONALITY. Just because I failed once does not make me a failing for LIFE. Just because I failed during Prelims does NOT mean I'll fail during my A levels.

Now it hits the shitty part. A levels is 12 days away. My revision is going really slowly. I don't know what I want to do anymore. My dad gave up on my bro and I long ago. He believes that my bro doesn't have the IQ to do well academically. He used to think that I was a delinquent out there doing drugs (when I was actually having extra A.maths tuition). Now, he still can't be bothered. He thinks its our lives, and its our choice, and if we wanted anything, we'll just go to him.

Its different when nobody believes you anymore. Mom used to tell me that its okay, that its just a failed exam. That I could do better because I've the potential. Now, she just gives up. What if she's right? Maybe all that 'potential' went to waste just because I didn't spend all my time at the books and revising my bloody head off. What if I didn't have that spark of potential in the first place, and what all my teachers and friends said about that 'potential' was just wishful thinking? After all, coach said I had great potential for bowling, and I just scored average for the competition, and my bowling skills sucks even more now.

I don't know what to think anymore. Mom giving up on us has more of an impact than I'd ever imagine.

sick... UGH

So yeah, crappy things happened. But I shall remain OPTIMISTIC DAMMIT!

So... I'm sick. I'm sneezing left right and centre atm. The flu virus loves me. Actually, its the Influenze virus, and its from the Adenovirus groups, and I need to stop sprouting out my bio notes -.-. Anyways, yeah, Yay to the flu virus? I've been waiting for it actually. I've been feeling like crap the past few week, headachy, lethargic as hell, lack of concentration etc. Its the hovering in between well and unwell feeling and it SUCKS. Especially since it means that I haven't been studying in the past week. Well, I tried, but its not like its effective or anything. I'm just gonna let this illness come. I can't be bothered trying to fend it off when all it means is that I'm stuck between well and unwell, and I can't study anyways. I'm gonna let it come, and the faster it hits, the faster it leaves. Hopefully, I'll be able to finish my revision in time. I've lost a hell lot of time as it is.

Other than that, I've sprained my ankle! Whee~. Basically, was playing with my bro in the bedroom. The usual pillow fight and tackling each other on the bed and such, haven't played like this with him for AGES. So yeah, just jumping around, landing on each other, hitting each other with pillows etc (and guys wonder why I'm so rough =P). Anyways, while playing, my bro tackled me off the bed, and I landed wrongly on my right foot, and with HIS weight AND mine, yeah, there was this lovely CRACK sound, and my ankle got twisted. Oh joy. I'll just have to hobble around for the next few days.

So, this is the perfect situation. Flu AND a twisted ankle, I love my life. Worse thing is, its Kenneth's birthday tomorrow. AND, we're supposed to be going to cineleisure's K-box to celebrate. BUT, I can't now, coz not only can I not walk without killing myself with pain, I'm sneezing as well. Oh well. Lets hope the flu goes away REALLY QUICKLY and I can get back to torturing my mind with revision.

Away to the Negative Thoughts!

Lol, I realised my posts were kinda desperate/negative/upsetting lately.  Guess its the stress getting to all of us.  I could sense the tension in school, and its so thick that I would have thought it possible to be sliced with a knife.

Anyways, this is the last week of school.  The absolute last week.  After this, no more official lessons.  No more dozing off in class (coz I won't be in class in the first place). No more meeting up with friends.  No more teasing the guys in class.  Its going to be so weird.  I've grown to love PJC and its sad that in a few days, I'll be 'leaving' the college.  I'll be back for exams, I'll be back to take my results next February, but I won't be a student in PJC anymore.  Its kinda sad in a sense.  I've never really felt so comfortable in a school before.  Other than the severe stress I've been under the past year I was at PJ, its still a great school.  

Now, Its time for me to face reality.  I can try till the cows come home, but I doubt I'll be able to finish all the revision in time.  So, its time to study smart.  Screw the notes, TYS is now my new best friend for the next 5 weeks or so.

I *have* to remain positive.  I can't allow myself to give up SO CLOSE to the finishing line.  Its not like I can retain even if I wanted to.  I'll just have to do reeeeally well.  If my friend could get from a UUU to an ABC, I could do it too!  *banish all negative thoughts*.  I really really need to immerse myself in a pool of positivity.  Which is getting harder, when I see all those people who naturally score higher than me panic like hell.  Oh well.  I know myself best, and I hope I haven't 'killed' myself in the sense of too much slacking.  Yet again, give the choice, I won't have done anything all that different.  I'm not much of a consistent worker after all.  To force myself to be consistent and a mugger is just gonna send me into another wave of depression, and I seriously don't need that right now.  Last year was bad enough.

[rant] Anyways, the HEAT LATELY IS KILLING ME!  I've never felt so stifled by the heat since, EVER!  Yeah, the heat is basically killing my studying and sleeping patterns lately.  I think the heat is getting worse and worse.  Even when it rains, it gets back to the usual hot, humid, killing heat.  Kinda like putting droplets of water on a heated pan.  I suspect that I'm having such an adversed reaction to the weather is partly due to the fact that I spend 6 years of my life in a relatively cold climate.  Still, this kinda of weather is terrible.  I've been spending the last few days feeling dizzy and sick with a raging headache.  Drank loads of water, still felt UGH.  Couldn't concentrate, mind feels foggy.  As a result, my planned studying time from (average) 4pm to 8pm in school and 10pm till 1am at home has been reduced to 9pm till 3am.  Its wrecking havoc on my non-existant sleep cycle.    I REALLY hope the weather gets better soon! [/rant]

Anyways, I've overshot my blogging time (partially due to the STILL hot and sticky weather, and hence, I still don't feel like doing my work).  Will update whenever I feel like it.  To those taking A's or any other exams, good luck, do your best, no regrets.  Most importantly, try not to stress too much =).  Health comes first.  The weather nowadays is the perfect condition to get sick, so don't make it any easier to do so!

Screwed...

LOL, noticed that I had loads of negative posts lately. Probably due to the dark presence of A lvls looming behind me.

27 more days!! *screams*

I planned my revision timetable, supposedly, if all goes well, I'll finish revising everything by the 24th October, giving me a week (not counting GP, as if I'm gonna revise GP -.-) before the main paper really hits me on the head. That one week is like a buffer period, coz I think I might not be able to follow my schedule to the dot. Its optimism at its best =P.

Anyways, my prelim results came back.. Screwed is the only way to describe it. BUUUU (for those who don't know, U is like F... basically it stands for Undergraded. Its 34% and below =P). So yeah, Got B for GP, though that's not much of a surprise. I'd go kill myself if I failed English.

The U's are for my other subjects -.-. Mathematics was atrocious. 19%?! LOL, I haven't hit 19% since A.maths in sec 3! Literature, well, its the first time I EVER failed literature. 5/25 for unseen poetry (granted, I only had 15 mins to write that essay, so its my fault really :P), 7/25 for Pride and prejudice essay (and I really thought that I did well on that!) and 13/25 for my Othello Essay. 30.5% for Chemistry and 20.5% for Biology. Basically, I'm in deeeeep shit.

I'm so tired out recently... Half of me wants to give up right now and just say screw it, maybe I'm not cut out for further studies. The other half of me is currently berating me for even THINKING about giving up. I supposed its just 4 weeks left, so may as well go all out for it, regretting about it after the exams is gonna be one sucky feeling. Especially that "what if" scenario.

Oh well, its just the last stretch, I may as well go all out, but its hard telling yourself that when you've been sleeping less than 3 hours each night and when you study so much you start dreaming about exams.

I'll have to thank the teachers though. I've let myself slack ever since I came back to Singapore. The education system here makes studying hell, it makes studying more of a chore. For somebody who spent 6 years with the UK education system where they actually make learning FUN, it was a hard switch. I didn't do my homework, I dozed off half of the time in class, and I just spaced out the other half of the time. Yet, for my horrendous results, the teachers have been giving me nothing but encouragement, showing statistics of those who have gotten straight A's after getting a failing grade during prelims. They encouraged us not to give up, even though, in my opinion, they have the perfect right to give up on us. I felt that I haven't shown my teachers the respect they deserved. I was not attentive, I didn't do their work, and yet, they REFUSED TO GIVE UP ON US. Really, if they did, I wouldn't have blamed them one bit, coz we would have deserved it.

Anyways, 4 weeks left. Just one last mad dash now. I hope I can do well. 2 years of sometimes suicidal hard work, reduced to one final showdown, the A levels exams, in just 4 weeks. Good luck to everybody taking A levels alongside me. Lets hope we can all do well. Hope is the only thing that keeps me going.