mommy gave up...
As scary as it sounds. My mom gave up on my bro and I. Trust me, this is a VERY scary though.
Basically, my bro didn't do too well in HIS exams. And its streaming this year for him. Time to choose subject combination, and he OUGHT to do well to get into the subject combination of his choice. But, he failed Maths and the rest of his subjects were borderline passes. I kinda feel bad for him, coz *I* scolded him, my mom scolded him, and pretty much anybody in the family with the right to scold him did scold him. I just got peeved off I supposed. I spent HOURS teaching him, putting my own revision on hold just coz he had his exams coming up and rushing home to teach him his maths. In the end, he still failed. Its not as if I don't want to put in the effort, I really put in my hardest regarding to my bro. I put HIS education before my own. I suppose the only problem was that I was too soft on him perhaps? He had tuition everyday from monday to friday before his exams, and I was perhaps too lenient on him those days. I gave him minimal questions and allowed him to watch TV and play games to destress. Perhaps I ought to have just been harsher with him. BUT, I do NOT appreciate my mom telling me that I ought to have tried harder. That its just because I did not give him ample attention that HE failed. I see my friends, and I see them ignoring their younger siblings. I see some of my friends fighting with their younger siblings. I see myself rushing home after a long and tiring day at school just to get home in time to start teaching my brother, and I see myself getting part of the blame for my brother's results.
Oh well, what's done is done. Thankfully, he only failed maths. The rest were borderline, but I'm just hoping that he'll do better for O levels.
Now, my own. Fine, I suppose its really my own fault. I didn't prioritise properly. I was too focused on short term gratification rather than long term goals. I'd rather have the fun here and now rather than work for a hazy *maybe*. But still, its not as if I *want* to fail. Trust me, if I could give up a year of my life just to pass this bloody A levels, I would.
I asked mom to sign my prelim slip today. She just told me that she's giving up on my bro and I. Perhaps we ought to look into things that doesn't need qualification. After all, she doesn't have much qualification and she's doing pretty well in her career. It kinda hurts to hear her contemplate such things, especially with 12 days to go till the exams. IF I had gotten the A level results back, and I did as badly as I did for the prelims (or worse), then I would understand. But she's just doing all these just over PRELIMS.
*sigh*. This kinda suck. I don't regret my decision to come to PJC. I've made great friends, and i've had wonderful moments these 2 years that's forever etched in my memory. But sometimes, I'd just wish that they'll see the bigger picture. Shouldn't they be glad that I'm not on drugs, puffing my life away while sleeping with anybody who even looks at me that way? Shouldn't they be glad that I'm home teaching my brother and playing my games rather than out with gangs?
Parents always say that they'll rather have their children at home than out with gangs, that they'll rather have their kids still at school with bad results than out dealing drugs. Yet, when you're all these things, they want more. They want grade A kids. They want you to be 'perfect'.
Well, I can't be perfect. I tried, I tried so many times. I can't withstand pressure all that well. I cave in easily. I like to play my games. I like to chat with friends and I like to take my time and procrastinate. Suddenly, this is all bad just coz I got a bloody bad result. Its like she's LABELLING me based on a bloody piece of paper saying that I FAILED. That since I failed at SCHOOL, I FAIL AT BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER TOO!
Fuck this, its seriously annoying. For once, I just wish she'll stop linking MY RESULTS to MY PERSONALITY. Just because I failed once does not make me a failing for LIFE. Just because I failed during Prelims does NOT mean I'll fail during my A levels.
Now it hits the shitty part. A levels is 12 days away. My revision is going really slowly. I don't know what I want to do anymore. My dad gave up on my bro and I long ago. He believes that my bro doesn't have the IQ to do well academically. He used to think that I was a delinquent out there doing drugs (when I was actually having extra A.maths tuition). Now, he still can't be bothered. He thinks its our lives, and its our choice, and if we wanted anything, we'll just go to him.
Its different when nobody believes you anymore. Mom used to tell me that its okay, that its just a failed exam. That I could do better because I've the potential. Now, she just gives up. What if she's right? Maybe all that 'potential' went to waste just because I didn't spend all my time at the books and revising my bloody head off. What if I didn't have that spark of potential in the first place, and what all my teachers and friends said about that 'potential' was just wishful thinking? After all, coach said I had great potential for bowling, and I just scored average for the competition, and my bowling skills sucks even more now.
I don't know what to think anymore. Mom giving up on us has more of an impact than I'd ever imagine.
Basically, my bro didn't do too well in HIS exams. And its streaming this year for him. Time to choose subject combination, and he OUGHT to do well to get into the subject combination of his choice. But, he failed Maths and the rest of his subjects were borderline passes. I kinda feel bad for him, coz *I* scolded him, my mom scolded him, and pretty much anybody in the family with the right to scold him did scold him. I just got peeved off I supposed. I spent HOURS teaching him, putting my own revision on hold just coz he had his exams coming up and rushing home to teach him his maths. In the end, he still failed. Its not as if I don't want to put in the effort, I really put in my hardest regarding to my bro. I put HIS education before my own. I suppose the only problem was that I was too soft on him perhaps? He had tuition everyday from monday to friday before his exams, and I was perhaps too lenient on him those days. I gave him minimal questions and allowed him to watch TV and play games to destress. Perhaps I ought to have just been harsher with him. BUT, I do NOT appreciate my mom telling me that I ought to have tried harder. That its just because I did not give him ample attention that HE failed. I see my friends, and I see them ignoring their younger siblings. I see some of my friends fighting with their younger siblings. I see myself rushing home after a long and tiring day at school just to get home in time to start teaching my brother, and I see myself getting part of the blame for my brother's results.
Oh well, what's done is done. Thankfully, he only failed maths. The rest were borderline, but I'm just hoping that he'll do better for O levels.
Now, my own. Fine, I suppose its really my own fault. I didn't prioritise properly. I was too focused on short term gratification rather than long term goals. I'd rather have the fun here and now rather than work for a hazy *maybe*. But still, its not as if I *want* to fail. Trust me, if I could give up a year of my life just to pass this bloody A levels, I would.
I asked mom to sign my prelim slip today. She just told me that she's giving up on my bro and I. Perhaps we ought to look into things that doesn't need qualification. After all, she doesn't have much qualification and she's doing pretty well in her career. It kinda hurts to hear her contemplate such things, especially with 12 days to go till the exams. IF I had gotten the A level results back, and I did as badly as I did for the prelims (or worse), then I would understand. But she's just doing all these just over PRELIMS.
*sigh*. This kinda suck. I don't regret my decision to come to PJC. I've made great friends, and i've had wonderful moments these 2 years that's forever etched in my memory. But sometimes, I'd just wish that they'll see the bigger picture. Shouldn't they be glad that I'm not on drugs, puffing my life away while sleeping with anybody who even looks at me that way? Shouldn't they be glad that I'm home teaching my brother and playing my games rather than out with gangs?
Parents always say that they'll rather have their children at home than out with gangs, that they'll rather have their kids still at school with bad results than out dealing drugs. Yet, when you're all these things, they want more. They want grade A kids. They want you to be 'perfect'.
Well, I can't be perfect. I tried, I tried so many times. I can't withstand pressure all that well. I cave in easily. I like to play my games. I like to chat with friends and I like to take my time and procrastinate. Suddenly, this is all bad just coz I got a bloody bad result. Its like she's LABELLING me based on a bloody piece of paper saying that I FAILED. That since I failed at SCHOOL, I FAIL AT BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER TOO!
Fuck this, its seriously annoying. For once, I just wish she'll stop linking MY RESULTS to MY PERSONALITY. Just because I failed once does not make me a failing for LIFE. Just because I failed during Prelims does NOT mean I'll fail during my A levels.
Now it hits the shitty part. A levels is 12 days away. My revision is going really slowly. I don't know what I want to do anymore. My dad gave up on my bro and I long ago. He believes that my bro doesn't have the IQ to do well academically. He used to think that I was a delinquent out there doing drugs (when I was actually having extra A.maths tuition). Now, he still can't be bothered. He thinks its our lives, and its our choice, and if we wanted anything, we'll just go to him.
Its different when nobody believes you anymore. Mom used to tell me that its okay, that its just a failed exam. That I could do better because I've the potential. Now, she just gives up. What if she's right? Maybe all that 'potential' went to waste just because I didn't spend all my time at the books and revising my bloody head off. What if I didn't have that spark of potential in the first place, and what all my teachers and friends said about that 'potential' was just wishful thinking? After all, coach said I had great potential for bowling, and I just scored average for the competition, and my bowling skills sucks even more now.
I don't know what to think anymore. Mom giving up on us has more of an impact than I'd ever imagine.
posted by Icicle | 1:41 AM
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