Torn, Broken and Shattered,
That pretty much describes how I feel right now. There's a reason why I'm on at 2.30am and still not wanting to sleep.
I feel utterly lost. Wandering about. I don't know what happened over the past few days. It was fine last week, sure, there was some minor issues, but it was by and large ignored. Now, I've lost control of my life. Worse, I've lost control of my emotions. I've learnt it the hard way, you can try, but its hard to keep emotions on a tight reign. Especially this emotion. The feeling of emptiness, of total desolation. That gaping hole within your heart that can only be caused by somebody close to you.
I've learnt my lesson. It doesn't pay to be too nice. It doesn't pay to try to please everybody. In the end, it just rips out part of your heart, and your soul. I thought I was just trying to see the good in everybody. A kind soul if you will. I wanted to see the best in people, I wanted to trust. Now I know better. This is one of life's hard lessons that one must experience it for oneself. It is no longer any good to be nice. It is not good to be naive. Not anymore. This is a cut-throat world. I understand that now. I must be strong to survive. In order to do that, I must first fortify my heart. It was a mistake, to follow in the footsteps of my best friend. She showed me what the world could be like when you take risks and trust people around you unconditionally. She never warned of the heartache that could follow. I thank her for showing me, these few years, how wonderful friendship and trust can be. We must all leave the carefree dreams of childhood behind sometimes. The fact remains, there is very little people you can trust wholeheartedly in this world.
I will fortify myself. I will try to be as unfeeling as possible. I need to detach myself emotionally. I've cried too many tears recently. I've trusted, and now I'm left to pick up my own pieces. Its a marvel. When I'm in a more logical frame of mind, I will analyse. I will analyse exactly how I got into this position, and how I've been manipulated. I will then ensure it does not happen ever again.
I must. There is no other choice. I must detach myself to survive. It was a hard lesson, but a valid lesson nonetheless. Fragile glass has to be laminated to withstand the pressures and brunt force of what the world decides to throw at it. Just as my heart has to be fortified and kept under control for me to survive what life decides to throw at me. There is now only precious few I would trust. I would keep it that way. The less people I trust, the less chances I have of being hurt again. I will not go as far as Darcy, who stated that his good regard, once lost, is lost forever. Neither will I go back to the blindly trusting person I once was. Its time for me to wake up and see the world as it is - A bed of roses, with thorns attached.
Now begins the greatest challenge this year. To pick myself back up, piece myself back together and fortify myself in time for one of the biggest hurdles of my life. A levels.
I feel utterly lost. Wandering about. I don't know what happened over the past few days. It was fine last week, sure, there was some minor issues, but it was by and large ignored. Now, I've lost control of my life. Worse, I've lost control of my emotions. I've learnt it the hard way, you can try, but its hard to keep emotions on a tight reign. Especially this emotion. The feeling of emptiness, of total desolation. That gaping hole within your heart that can only be caused by somebody close to you.
I've learnt my lesson. It doesn't pay to be too nice. It doesn't pay to try to please everybody. In the end, it just rips out part of your heart, and your soul. I thought I was just trying to see the good in everybody. A kind soul if you will. I wanted to see the best in people, I wanted to trust. Now I know better. This is one of life's hard lessons that one must experience it for oneself. It is no longer any good to be nice. It is not good to be naive. Not anymore. This is a cut-throat world. I understand that now. I must be strong to survive. In order to do that, I must first fortify my heart. It was a mistake, to follow in the footsteps of my best friend. She showed me what the world could be like when you take risks and trust people around you unconditionally. She never warned of the heartache that could follow. I thank her for showing me, these few years, how wonderful friendship and trust can be. We must all leave the carefree dreams of childhood behind sometimes. The fact remains, there is very little people you can trust wholeheartedly in this world.
I will fortify myself. I will try to be as unfeeling as possible. I need to detach myself emotionally. I've cried too many tears recently. I've trusted, and now I'm left to pick up my own pieces. Its a marvel. When I'm in a more logical frame of mind, I will analyse. I will analyse exactly how I got into this position, and how I've been manipulated. I will then ensure it does not happen ever again.
I must. There is no other choice. I must detach myself to survive. It was a hard lesson, but a valid lesson nonetheless. Fragile glass has to be laminated to withstand the pressures and brunt force of what the world decides to throw at it. Just as my heart has to be fortified and kept under control for me to survive what life decides to throw at me. There is now only precious few I would trust. I would keep it that way. The less people I trust, the less chances I have of being hurt again. I will not go as far as Darcy, who stated that his good regard, once lost, is lost forever. Neither will I go back to the blindly trusting person I once was. Its time for me to wake up and see the world as it is - A bed of roses, with thorns attached.
Now begins the greatest challenge this year. To pick myself back up, piece myself back together and fortify myself in time for one of the biggest hurdles of my life. A levels.
posted by Icicle | 2:34 AM
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