Scared

[warning: May be seen as emo, but I REALLY need to type this all somewhere before I break down and cry somewhere]

Okie, I seriously think I'm addicted to Blogging. Or maybe... Blogging gives me an outlet to express myself, and allows me to clear my head, much like me rambling on to some friend online. I am scared, truely scared. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life, in fact, I'm so scared that I actually feel like crying. I have NEVER EVER felt so scared to the brink of crying, not in my memories.

When I bungee jumped, I just screamed and laugh. When I awaited my O level results, I was just concerned, nowhere near scared. When I sat my O levels, I was just, indifferent. I knew it in my heart that I was going somewhere, that my worse marks could quite comfortably guarentee me a space in a Poly. I wasn't even this scared when I moved back from Scotland to Singapore. To me then, it was an adventure, a new life, a new start and with everything I want/need right in front of me.

I think the real reason of me being so scared is because this is the first time I've ever had such an aspiration. This is the first time I had a feasible dream to work towards. Before now, I was a kind of nonchalant girl. I crossed each bridge as I came to it. I didn't worry myself on things that to me, at that time, was unimportant. As long as I had my internet connection, a computer, food to eat, drinks to drink and friends to chat with, I was content. Now, this is the first time I've ever felt such a burning desire to do something. Its also the first time my future is not guarenteed.

I didn't know how I knew it exactly, but prior to JC, I've been cruising along in life. To tell the truth, I really wasn't worried about my O levels. I wasn't even worried about much. I just knew, deep in my heart, that everything will be perfect. Sure, I've had problems with friends, like any teenager. I've had body image issues, I've had bouts where I don't know who I am anymore. I still have some of those bouts. But, I've never worried about where I want to go, or what I want to do. Sure, I've had a vague idea, I toyed with the idea of being a doctor for 3 years, before discarding it. ALL of my vague dreams of my future, of my profession, is a job where I can help people. I wanted a job where I can help, and interact with people and make a difference. I get that job, and I'll never have to work again, coz each and every single day would be what I lived to do. My vague ideas wasn't solid yet, it was just a hazy dream. I want this, I want that, I just didn;t put it all together until now.

I want to study psychology. The human mind interests me. Its not morbid, not at all. Its just something magical about the way we process ideas, facts and the world in general. Its interesting how one person looks at the glass half empty, and the other person looks at it half full. Its wonderful to learn how our memory works, and how we can improve upon it. Answers to questions such as "Why do people dream? Is it important?" and "Does how a child is brought up affects his life totally, or are there some things thats inborn and cannot be changed". Then there's the more social questions. "Why are some children more outgoing than others? Is it all in the genes, or is there something more". There's also the plain morbid questions. "Why do murderers kill, what is their state of mind right before they start killing?". Then again, there's the reverse psychology questions "If I can determine my personality by my handwriting, can I change my personality by forcing myself to alter my handwriting?". I want to learn, and find out answers to all these questions, as well as answers to questions I haven't even thought of yet.

Then, there's that snag. I want to go to Australia to study Psychology. They say Brisbane is the best place to go. I came to JC not knowing what to expect, but just full of determination to do what I needed to do. That flame of determination deminished over time, until there's only a spark left. Failed results after failed results, depression drops by every now and then, and doubt of self worth became a constant companion. The flame of hope, determination and perseverence died right after Mid Years of J1. It was brought back alive for a while, for the Promos. Friends became my life for a while, I was desperately clinging onto my friends, both IRL and internet ones. With the support of all my friends, I was able to pass my Promotional Examinations. I made it to J2, barely, but I made it nonetheless. Then comes my mistake. Instead of spending the holidays studying and catching up on my weak subjects, I went off to work part-time. I came to J2, ready to take on the world. I told myself, I'm turning over a new leaf. I told myself that this is it, barely a year left, I will put in my all.

Common Test came and went. I got crushed again. Badly. I nursed a hope to go to Australia, and my mom unintentionally crushed that hope without even realising it. I failed, Miserably. Even worse than what I got for my J1 Mid Years. I cried, and I apologised to my mom, I visited the principal's office, and I got threatened to get retained, the whole shebang. I pinned my hopes on Mid Years. I had to pass Mid Years. I just had to.

Mid Year Exams are in a week. Exactly one week and 5.25 hours from now. I have 40+ chapters of various H2 subjects to study. Mathematics, Chemistry and Biology. I'm not even bothering about my Literature and General paper right now. My mom and I had a talk, she agreed that I would be able to go to Australia to study psychology if I can get the grades.

My dream became feasible once again. I have NEVER ever felt so much for this dream. I know it, somehow, I won't be able to survive in the kill or be killed life that is the Singapore Educational System. Australia seems the ideal place, really. Its one of the leading countries in Psychology and they desperately need more psychologist. However, I need a BBB to even think about applying to the Universities in Brisbane. (Griffith or University of Queensland). Right now, according to my common test results. I'm a failure. I failed at my exams and I failed terribly. I have one more week, one week to prepare myself, and at least pass my mid years to stay on to take my A levels this year.

I'm scared, really I am. I suddenly feel this burning passion for this aspiration, this dream, and yet, I don't know if I can achieve it. That's what scare me. Its the only dream I have at the moment and I'm holding onto it as hard as I can. I'm not letting it go that easily and it scares the hell out of me to know that at any moment, it can be snatched away by my bad results. I don't think I can take the crushing blow of another bad exam result slip. I've brought home too many these two years, and I don;t think I can handle another one.

Sure, I've studied the past 2 weeks or so, but I doubt its been enough. I wasn't focused enough, I didn't practice enough questions, and I procrastinated here and there. I had a bout of lethargy that refuse to go away. I couldn't concentrate. I slipped when I had that bout of lethargy, and I'm still slipping. I know I have to pick myself back up, but sometimes, its hard. You just want to give up, and yet, you find some strength in you to jump right back up. Right now, my strength is that one dream. I don't know what I'll do if I was to lose that one dream. I'm terrified of what would happen. All I know is that I must not let that happen, and yet, Mid Years is this looming monster just waiting to snatch it away.

Right now, I'm just going to pray, and do my best. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. Deep inside, I'm still scared. More than that, deep inside, I'm terrified. That's the problem with being a rock sometimes. You be strong for others. You strengthen yourself emotionally. You become a rock, a stone, all stiff. Not in the least bit flexible. Until one day, when there's overwhelming pressure, from both inside and outside, you don't bend, you can't bend anymore, you've become that rock, with nobody to lean on and the unwillingness to be flexible. When that day comes, when the pressure mounts, you just crack a little here, and chip a little there. You find that you're slowly crumbling, each failure is a pickaxe slowing chipping away your strength, your dreams and your will. I'm crumbling, and I do not think I can handle another failure. I feel that if I were to recieve another blow from that pickaxe of failure, I would be reduced to pieces. Never before have I been this scared for my ambition, nor for myself.