Chatting =)

I really have to stop this habit of updating in the middle of the night 0.o. Really.

Anyways, was online researching for bio, when Ching came online on skype =D. Chatted to her for a bit about random things, especially about her jungle boy. I haven't heard her voice in AGES, more like last year's teacher's day and if feels nice to hear her voice again =). Nothing beats listening to a friend's voice =).

Anyways, Believe it or not, I'm actually starting to buck up on my studies (oh look, Hell froze over!). I still feel stupid sometimes, but at least I'm actually doing something about it. Been trying to stay awake in class lately. Just doing whatever it takes to keep my eyes open. I'll need to come up with a revision schedule sometime this week, but I hope its not too late to start going all out for A levels for my B average =).

Anyways, I've already put Harry Potter aside. After all, after reading the final last book, it kinda gives a nice closure. I won't be that tempted to read fanfictions now =). I've also put a stop to maplestory, with the sole exception of weekends, when I'd allow myself to go on as a reward for following my timetable (which I haven't had the time to make up yet) the entire week =). Like I said, I just hope it works. I've already put most of my distractions aside. Lets hope I can actually stay on course =).

Anyways, I slacked a little today. Came home, felt tired, and fell asleep immediately. I had this bunch of really really REALLY weird dreams. It kept me on the brink between sleeping and wakefulness most of the time. Once again, decided to skip my maths tutorial. I'll probably regret skipping so much maths homework later on, but really. The teacher don't give a damn, and I benefit more from studying and practicing either on my own or with friends. So yeah, I'm a hell of a lot of chapters behind. We're effectively on chapter 22. The last chapter I understood was chapter 18 (-.-"). I really need to put in real effort for maths sooner or later. Preferably sooner. Its a chapter I really have to PRACTICE!

Once again, I'll end off on the note that I *really* have to go to bed. I don't wanna fall asleep in school again and its already late enough, even if we count in the semi-nap I took. Till next time with tonnes of old updates that I *ought* to have posted (like that sushi outing with my friends), tata =).

I feel stupid....

Yes yes, there's loads more to update. Lots of Back Tracking to do, including the movie Transformers (TOTALLY ROCKING!) and Harry Potter (Sadly Disappointing).

But, (yes, there's alot of buts lately), its late (the usual excuse) and I've school tomorrow (the sad truth).

I've just been feeling extremely dumb lately. I don;t know why, its hard to explain. I've been talking to a friend of mine. Lately, he's been a little.. well, disapproving of me I suppose. He disapproves of me sleeping in class and he seems really annoyed when I don't do my work. I think he's just worried for me. Its not easy to find a friend that he'll risk your wrath by directly telling you that he really thinks you aren't putting enough effort, you're wasting potential and that he gets annoyed with the airhead attitude.

I am thankful for a friend like him. Really. The only people who really pushes me to study is Joshua and James. Both of them believes that I could do better (and yes, I thought so too) and both of them aren't afraid to nudge me to study, unlike with my other friends who I have to start nagging at them to study with me (and my self discipline isn't good mind you).

Anyways, I've been feeling horrendously stupid the past few weeks. I don't know why. I don't know how it can be remedied. I can't sleep early. I always seem to be doing things, reading, chatting, last minute homework. I rarely sleep before 2.30am. Even when I sleep tonnes during the weekend, I still feel sleepy. Its like what Joshua said. I'm like in this eternal sleep that i *NEED* to wake up from. I can't stay awake, my thoughts are now murky. Its the only way to describe it. I seriously feel as though I'm losing my intelligence.

Before, I grasped concepts really easily. I could grasp the concept without much effort from myself. I could understand the chapter easily enough. I could see things in literature really easily. Literature was like a holiday to me. Nowadays, for me to think is really like trying to swim through mud. I struggle to grasp the simplest concepts. I fight to see meaning in the poem I've just read. Its like my eyes just slides over the words without registering their deeper meaning. Same for GP. I'd read a passage, and I'll understand that passage. Barely a minute later, I'd forget what that passage was all about. I'm confused most of the time and I'm feeling as though I'm losing my sanity.

I don't feel dumb often. Normally, my general feeling is that I'm just slacking, filled with tonnes of potential to do better and yet lazy to do so. Not so lazy that I fail, but just lazy enough to let some of my potential go to waste. Now, I feel stupid. Really, its hard to describe. My mind refuses to allow me to think properly, regardless of how much sleep I've had.

I shall kick my butt into studying. Not so much that I really closet myself off from the world. Just enough to last till prelims without burning out. I'll get a study schedule and stick to it. I need to shock my body and mind into waking up. I can't live in this haze anymore. I can't live when I can't think, I can't learn and I can't do things well. One shot at A levels, I will try to force myself to wake up from this mental hibernation. I don't like feeling stupid, and I do now intend to change this feeling. I just hope I can do it.

Many thanks to both Joshua and James for repeatedly emphasizing to me what I ought to do. This is but a small step to 'waking up', but you've put me in the right direction. With luck, I'll stay on this path. Thank you guys so much.

A new Beginning?

There's alot of updates I need to do. There's the sleepover at my house involving Jon, Brian, Pearly and Darren, after that swimming outing. There's the outing with Taemi today, with Jon, Brian, Pearly, Darren, Tofu and Samantha. But, there's no them for those updates for today. Its 2.34am in the morn and I'll need to sleep to prepare to get back my exam results. Instead, I'll just highlight something that happened a few minutes ago.

After a very long talk with Darren, we have decided to take a step back into the realm of friendship and to leave the realm of relationships. Whether its permenant or temporary, we don't know. After a VERY long talk, we have come to realised that the days when we were friends was more fulfilling, more productive and more meaningful than the days we had when we were a couple. Added to that the problems of recent times (such as his inability to study with me for Mid Years, and his slight attention-seeking tendencies), we have decided to take a step back. Breaking Up sounds too much like those cliche romance movies/novels/whatnots. Its not a break up. We didn't have a fight. We didn't scream at each other. We didn't get hysterical. We just talked it out, and although it wasn't an easy decision, we decided it was for the best for now, at the crucial point of our lives.

Thus, we are no longer Pam and Darren, the couple. We're just friends, members of the XO team, and good friends. I somehow feel as though the weight of a burden of the whole relationship is lifted off my shoulders at the moment. I'm unsure if this feeling will last to tomorrow when I'm more awake and aware of the consequence and when I face him. But for now, I'll just go to bed and grab what little sleep I have left for school tomorrow. Its gonna be a long day.

1:30pm, 9th October 2006 --- 2:20am, 3rd July 2007. The period of experimental stumbling and general awkwardness of two fledglings foraging into the unknown skies of the world of relationships.