If I had to rate the worst week of my life, this week would be somewhere in the top 3, and the week isn't even over yet.
Sometimes, I'm really unsure. From what I observed and what I read, our attitude makes up most of our mood. We can see the glass half empty, or half full. Despite myself being a GREAT worrier (If Worrying was an Olympic Sport, I'd get Gold, no questions asked), I do try to remain optimistic. Didn't work all the time though, like the entire semi-depressing state of my mind in JC (Thank God for the friends I have), and possibly, this week. Part of the way I remain optimistic is to count my blessings (There's always people worse off than I am), and to downplay any major events and to brainwash myself (A levels did badly? So what, I am not defined by a set of grades after all.. -shrugs-... -continues bitching about the education system-).
This week, my emotions and thoughts seem to be yo-yo-ing out of control. I believe that I'm a rational person. So rational that my rational brain often beats my emotional brain into submission with the voice of reason. Yes, I've had hysterical moments, and a hell lot more moments where I 'panic' (really, NOBODY have seen me REALLY panic) and worry like hell over something. (OMG! Lit homework not done! 10 chapters to do! OMG! Ms. Chua will kill me tomorrow and hang my intestines all over the desk!). These few weeks however, especially this one, my emotions are really really jumping all over the place.
For one, I get annoyed at my mother much more easily this week. I don't know why. Hormones? PMS? Perhaps its just what I expected to be treated as and what I got. I love my mother, no doubt about it. I love my family, but I'm also entitled to expect a certain treatment by certain members of the family. Like I don't expect my brother to argue with me and to throw a tantrum when I teach him his maths, not only because I'm trying to help him, but also because as his elder sister (his only sister actually, but the keyword is ELDER :P), I expect a certain amount of respect from him unless I do something to screw it up. So, when my mother starts nitpickiting about my behaviour. Every single flaw, and not one bit about my positive traits (such as, not smoking, rational, not a drug abuser, not rebellious, a family person etc...). But she keeps going on about my less than positive traits (lazy being the chief one... I'm a terrible procrastinator).
Its not that I don't feel loved, but sometimes I just wish that she puts it nicely. I'd prefer a "Pamela, can you do me a favour and keep an eye on Nick's maths? He's doing well in his Biology and Literature, but his Maths keep failing. Help me keep an eye out can? Try to find out what's wrong?* Rather than *Pamela! You have so much free time at home, and yet you play play play. Don't care about your brother's results at all. He failed maths right? See? So bad! F9 summore. Everytime fail maths. -sigh- That boy ar, dunno what he's doing, still don't want to put in effort for maths. Stop being so lazy and actually do something for once can? You're not even working now, just brush up your brother lah! You know I working so hard, what for? For you and Nick lah, and yet, you all have such a good life still cannot do this. I not asking for all A's what, but you and I both know that Nick can do better than now.....-keeps going for another 10 mins-*
Maybe I'm being pressimistic on this point. But its like, recently, I'm seeing a different side of my mother. The not-so-positive side. I'm not sure if she was always like this, and I was too young to see it, or its the recent problems that has got her acting this way. The colder, harsher and more exacting mother that I see. There's still moments where I feel that she's the best mother on earth, but there's also moments now, getting more frequent, where I sit and think about what's happening and why is she acting like this now.
I'm not sure what I feel. Its an entire internal battle with me when it concerns my mother. On one hand, i feel that she doesn't realise how cutting her words are sometimes. In addition, she seems so negative all the time now, and I expect (or want) her to be more understanding, to be more 'gentle' in that sense. Just, to be more appreciative of us and our good traits and be thankful that we're not delinquents rather than to nitpick on our faults and keep complaining about them. On the other hand, I also understand where she's coming from. She's working hard, her work place is stressful and tiring, and she has her own internal battles to fight and her own demons to overcome, and she wants us to be better than what we are now.
Maybe I'm asking too much here, and maybe my self-esteem isn't all that great to begin with, for my mother to so easily make me feel like an ungrateful bitch with just a 10 minute random lecture. So perhaps, it is expecting too much for my mother to, instead of point out our flaws, just tell us how much she loves us and what of our good qualities she likes about us. Its the same message, just a different way of delivering it. *sigh*. Perhaps I shouldn't expect too much out of anything. Sometimes, I wish I can be just like a whiny bitchy teen. Selfish and Uncaring, so I won't have this internal emotional conflict, of understanding, yet also wanting something more.
Aside from the frequent clashes I've had with mom this week (especially Monday), there was the Jon's party thing. Jon's birthday was last Friday. 14th March. I was in Malaysia and my phone wasn't with me, hence, I wasn't able to wish him a happy birthday. I believe the entire XO team forgot as well. That's just so us -.-.
Either way, Pearly decided to have a get-together session and a belated 'party' for Jon. We settled on my home as a venue, since we used to have most of our bowlers get-together at my house. Pearly invited Darren, and she didn't ask me if I was okay about it until AFTER she invited Darren. I panicked the most of Tuesday Night. I've been avoiding Darren for months ever since the entire cleavage-staring incident the night of his first book-out. I felt that he hasn't changed one bit. So, the big dilemma. To say no, and appear to be a petty, whiny bitch and to deprive Jon of his friend at his belated birthday get-together, or to say yes and spend a day being in awkward silence. I chose the latter, after a few hours of thinking and just, reliving bad memories. Isn't it funny how bad memories stick more than good ones?
So yeah, that was the whole crappy incident on Tuesday.
Wednesday, today, was the get-together. I woke up late, but the bowlers were even later. We planned at 2pm. Jon arrived at 3pm, Pearly, Brian and Gerald at 4pm, Darren at 4.30pm , Kari around 4.45pm and Marcus at about 5pm. I somewhat ignored Darren the whole of today. Spoke to him, about 4 lines in total. LOL. I think everybody noticed, but I really really did not want to interact with him. At least, on the bright side, he did behave himself rather well today. No weird stares, no excuses to come near me, no lewd comment. Just engrossed with his computer in the study room along with Brian and Jon. BUT, like everyday this week thus far, today held the worst surprise of all.
I planned most of my Basic Theory Lessons, Practice, Evaluation and Test on the 10th January, when I first signed up with the school. I changed the Lessons timing a few dozen times as it is. But the Evaluation and Test remained the same. So, today, I logged on to double check my Basic Theory Practice timing for tomorrow, when I realised that my Basic Theory Test was not included in the entire schedule as reflected online. I panicked, and tried to rebook the test. There's no more slots left on march, and the next avaliable one would be on the 10th June. So, I booked that first, and since my Evaluation had to be done within a fortnight before my Test, I tried to shift my Evaluation Date. There are no open dates for Evaluation in May or June. I panicked, and checked my account transaction.
According to the system, I cancelled my Basic Theory Test on Sunday Night. Around 11pm. A few minutes before midnight. See, even if I ACCIDENTLY cancelled my Basic Theory Test, I'd've probably booked another Practice/Evaluation in its place. But, the ONLY transaction I did that day was to cancel my Test. I can't remember doing anything related to rescheduling my test on Sunday Night (I was zonked out from the trip from KL back to Singapore). I checked my chat logs and I was making a call at that time. I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I am calling the centre tomorrow and demand that they fix it. It was NOT ME that cancelled the booking and I have NO IDEA what the hell is happening. But I want my license AS SOON AS IT IS POSSIBLE.
*sigh*.. this week sucks. Really. Emotional conflicts about random issues, my family, my life. Maybe its because I did badly for A levels, and hence, everything is so... loose at the moment. There's no fixed structure, and its scary in a way. I just hope that this week has enough surprises for me. I just want a more relaxed 2nd half of the week.
