The Life of a College Bowler

Life and the dawn

2009-07-09T06:02:00.003+08:00

*blows a film of dust away from the blog*

Its been some time... a tad bit too long... lets see what I can come up with.

Life is just as it is
Going, continuing, forevermore;
It goes on and on,
Always has
Always will.

Things have changed
We leave behind dark, gloomy footprints
Streaked with blood and tears
And Heartbreak.

The future looks bright, promising
But at the same time;
Dangerous, filled with numerous pitfalls.
Yet...
If one does not dare to move forward,
Where does that leave one?
Stagnant.

I must remind myself,
The sky is darkest
Just before the dawn.
A Glorious Break of Dawn Awaits.
Things cannot and will not stay down...
Until then...
All I can do is put a smile on my face
And go on.
Nothing else I can do...
Just keep going.

It pains me.
There will be some,
That might not live to see the dawn
Time
Or something else,
Something more sinister,
Would prevent them from experiencing the bright sunrise
The Sunrise that would be the reward for all the gloom.

I hope this is not so,
But reality speaks differently.
I can only hope,
Hope that all of us would be here
To see the promised light.

Till then...

... just hold on.

Random Quiz Thingy

2008-08-06T14:18:00.000+08:00

Your Power Color Is Teal

At Your Highest:

You feel accomplished and optimistic about the future.

At Your Lowest:

You feel in a slump and lack creativity.

In Love:

You tend to be many people's ideal partner.

How You're Attractive:

You make people feel confident and accepted.

Your Eternal Question:

"What Impression Am I Giving?"

What's Your Power Color?

Bleh Day

2008-05-17T18:53:00.002+08:00

I'm having one of those really bleh days today. Its one of those days, when you have NOTHING to do, no idea what sites to visit online, no idea what videos to watch, and not in the mood to study. Just feeling... bleh.

Just to DO something (ANYTHING!), I'm just gonna update the blog that nobody reads. I'd write some great essay on some social issue if I wasn't feeling so bleh... Tofu even called me asking if I wanted to have dinner with him, and I really don't feel like leaving my house, or meeting people. No idea what's wrong with me, I feel as if I no longer know how to act among friends, JC friends, Sec Sch Friends or overseas friends. Even online friends! Its as if I want SOMEBODY to tell me how to act, what sort of character am I suppose to be? Its like, for today, I completely forgot...

Anyways, work's fine. Never thought I'd be in the position to really do anything with the computer. Yet, my name is on the website as the technical support for the MOE ExCEL Fest 2008. LOL. I was like 'o.0' when they put my name there. But its going quite well. Learning new things everyday and being able to help others with their registration problems.

Meeting schools are okay too. Some schools pissed the hell outta me. NOTHING prepared, NOTHING ready, and the bloody deadline is SOON!. RAWR! Students aren't the only ones to push deadlines, teachers do it ALL THE TIME.

I'm just feeling a little topsy turvy emotionally. Started questioning the meaning of friends. I think its just me being unused to the fact that there's no longer school, so I don't meet anybody much, except for my colleagues. Its feeling weird, we all have different routes. As much as I can preach about understanding, I still feel weird. Yes, I do understand about all these things, but its still very... uncomfortable. I don't really know where I stand with my friends. Especially my ex classmates. On one hand, I really wanna go to outings with them, I miss them somewhat, especially the ones I'm close to in JC. On the other hand, I'm not quite sure how to blend in, and I have this urge to skip it, be solitary and just... be with myself.

I'm not quite sure what's happening. I can be in a crowded room, and feel more alone than ever. Perhaps I like human interaction too much, and I can't stand silence, or not chatting to somebody, unless its one of those really comfortable silence with a VERY close friend.

I somehow feel like an outcast sometimes. I don't know why, I do have friends, and I can laugh and talk and just spend time with them. I'm very sure that they're wonderful people, but I still find myself questioning the purpose of friends. Maybe its just me, being today, one of the really bleh days, that I start doing this random exercise.

Oh, and I watched Speed Racer yesterday. The whole movie was rather funny and silly, extremely cartoon-ish. The ending left me with food for thought. I won't spoil it for anybody, but the ending really left an impact on me. Thoughts on familial ties, choosing your path and living with your decisions really hit me then. I felt sad for that one character, even though he had a life many would die for, I still felt extremely sad. I had to keep reminding myself that it was fiction, it didn't happen, and that the ending was some sadistic author's mentality of not putting an all-round happy ending to a kids movie. It still had a profound impact on me though.

Other books I've been reading, namely, the other boleyn girl, and Perfume: the story of a murderer. The first was mainly court politics in the olden english times. The latter was about this social misfit, who had great sense of smell, who killed virgins to get their 'scent'.

Both books touched in me a way, gave me alot of things to think about. Oh, and I read Tuesdays with Morrie as well. Really admire the character of Morrie, how he could face death with dignity.

Oh well, MAYBE its the books I've been reading that had me in this bleh mood, maybe its the movie, or maybe its just time I had a bleh day.

I'll stop blogging about my extremely random thoughts now ^^.

PICTURES

2008-05-04T19:41:00.004+08:00

Okie, First time I'm adding pictures to my beloved blog =P.

Anyways, there's 2 sets of photos I'll be adding, one would be the photo-taking session Kari and I had at my place (coz we got bored, and neither of us have done any girly-make-up-dress-up things before =P. Another set would be the beach Photos =).

Anyhow, without further ado, the first set =).

So yeah, there's a few of the piccies we took at my house =). Gotta love the kari-sauce. We had a hell of a time putting on make-up and dressing each other up (we had a HELL of a problem with the EYELINER. We kept poking our eyes with it =P). But yeah, it was great fun =). Definitely was an interesting experience and I won't mind doing it again. Makes me think of when I was younger, and I actually wanted to be a model. Nowadays, I *might* still go for it given the chance, but I feel I'm still too flabby and unglam to even try =P.

Now, for the 2nd set, the BEACH PHOTOS! XD.

Kari and I in sarongs. I brought the Sarongs from last year =).

That's basically the group of us who were at the Beach. Great Outing, Gotta LOVE the beach! XD.

That's Marcus in the middle, the only guy in this picture, surrounded by HAWT girls. LOL, Lucky dude =). There's Pearly, then Belinda, and Tiffany behind Belinda, then Kari, then ME =).

Girls at the Beach, clockwise, starting from the top left: Hikari, Belinda, Pamela(me), Pearly and Tiffany =). Don't we all look hawt and sexy? LOL. Love you girls! XD.

Okie, that's just a random shot of Tiffany and Belinda playing Volleyball =). Note the look of concentration and determination on Belinda's face? =P.

Okie, here are just some RANDOM shots that Kari, Nick and I took in the water =D.

SCREAM! Sadako is ALLLIVE! (Nick talked me into taking that picture O_O)

Kari and I pretending to do Mortal Kombat! =P

That's Nick and Kari, less refined on their fighting skillz =P.

Best Bosom Buddies at the beach. Love the background =). No, its not edited in any way.

Kisses and Sunshine =). I love my HOT Kari-Sauce!

And the BEST EVER PHOTO of me, taken on that day......

The water hides my flab =P.

OKie, that's it for now. I'll upload 3-4 more photos tomorrow on the scenery of Sentosa Palawan Beach! XD. Oh, and one final photo before I end this post, another one of us girls!

Note Belinda's red face... She's not blushing, she's BURNT. Medium Rare! XD.

That's it for now, Cya!

BEACH DAY~~~

2008-05-02T00:00:00.002+08:00

w00tz!

Just had a day at the beach with my friends, and boy, did I miss the beach! We were late (as usual, seriously, nothing else is new), arrived at Palawan Beach at Sentosa at about 2.30pm. Marcus, Pearly, Brian and Belinda, as well as Marcus' 2 NS Friends was already there.

After Kari and I changed into our swimwear (a bikini for me, and a tankini for her), and we were all nicely wrapped in the beach sarong, we went out to enjoy the fun =). We played frisbee for a while, as well as volleyball. Marcus thinks volleyball is in my blood coz I can hit the ball rather accurately 80% of the time, I think its just luck =P. My hands hurt too much for volleyball to be in my blood =P.

I used SPF 150 on my face, and SPF 50 on my body, and as a result, I didn't get burnt! w00tz! First time I went to Sentosa and came back with NORMAL skin colour. At least its not RED, like somebody... *cough*Marcus*cough*Belinda*cough*.

Nick patiently blew up all the floats (one big round donut-shaped one and one bed-shaped-and-sized) while we sit, and chat, and play more volleyball, and gulp down those ice-cold-drinks-that-was-quickly-becoming-lukewarm.

The sun was high, the sky was blue, and there was not a cloud in the sky. Usually it would be the perfect beach day, but the sand was HOOOOOT! I'm rather sure that I could have fried an egg on the sand.

Catching up with friends and just lazing around was great fun. Really missed these days with friends =). I'll post up the pictures as soon as I get them from Kari =).

Just a quick note for me to freak out. Most of my friends are getting their Uni Acceptance Letters, from both NTU and NUS. They had interviews and such. Mine, as stated on the NUS Website, is still under processing. I'm getting more and more worried, what if I'm rejected? I've prepared myself for not getting into uni this year, but not getting in would feel too much like losing. I don't like to lose. Oh well, I'll just sit tight, and pray. What will be will be, and I may as well make the best of whatever the outcome will be.

This week, is NOT my week -.-

2008-03-20T03:09:00.003+08:00

If I had to rate the worst week of my life, this week would be somewhere in the top 3, and the week isn't even over yet.

Sometimes, I'm really unsure. From what I observed and what I read, our attitude makes up most of our mood. We can see the glass half empty, or half full. Despite myself being a GREAT worrier (If Worrying was an Olympic Sport, I'd get Gold, no questions asked), I do try to remain optimistic. Didn't work all the time though, like the entire semi-depressing state of my mind in JC (Thank God for the friends I have), and possibly, this week. Part of the way I remain optimistic is to count my blessings (There's always people worse off than I am), and to downplay any major events and to brainwash myself (A levels did badly? So what, I am not defined by a set of grades after all.. -shrugs-... -continues bitching about the education system-).

This week, my emotions and thoughts seem to be yo-yo-ing out of control. I believe that I'm a rational person. So rational that my rational brain often beats my emotional brain into submission with the voice of reason. Yes, I've had hysterical moments, and a hell lot more moments where I 'panic' (really, NOBODY have seen me REALLY panic) and worry like hell over something. (OMG! Lit homework not done! 10 chapters to do! OMG! Ms. Chua will kill me tomorrow and hang my intestines all over the desk!). These few weeks however, especially this one, my emotions are really really jumping all over the place.

For one, I get annoyed at my mother much more easily this week. I don't know why. Hormones? PMS? Perhaps its just what I expected to be treated as and what I got. I love my mother, no doubt about it. I love my family, but I'm also entitled to expect a certain treatment by certain members of the family. Like I don't expect my brother to argue with me and to throw a tantrum when I teach him his maths, not only because I'm trying to help him, but also because as his elder sister (his only sister actually, but the keyword is ELDER :P), I expect a certain amount of respect from him unless I do something to screw it up. So, when my mother starts nitpickiting about my behaviour. Every single flaw, and not one bit about my positive traits (such as, not smoking, rational, not a drug abuser, not rebellious, a family person etc...). But she keeps going on about my less than positive traits (lazy being the chief one... I'm a terrible procrastinator).

Its not that I don't feel loved, but sometimes I just wish that she puts it nicely. I'd prefer a "Pamela, can you do me a favour and keep an eye on Nick's maths? He's doing well in his Biology and Literature, but his Maths keep failing. Help me keep an eye out can? Try to find out what's wrong?* Rather than *Pamela! You have so much free time at home, and yet you play play play. Don't care about your brother's results at all. He failed maths right? See? So bad! F9 summore. Everytime fail maths. -sigh- That boy ar, dunno what he's doing, still don't want to put in effort for maths. Stop being so lazy and actually do something for once can? You're not even working now, just brush up your brother lah! You know I working so hard, what for? For you and Nick lah, and yet, you all have such a good life still cannot do this. I not asking for all A's what, but you and I both know that Nick can do better than now.....-keeps going for another 10 mins-*

Maybe I'm being pressimistic on this point. But its like, recently, I'm seeing a different side of my mother. The not-so-positive side. I'm not sure if she was always like this, and I was too young to see it, or its the recent problems that has got her acting this way. The colder, harsher and more exacting mother that I see. There's still moments where I feel that she's the best mother on earth, but there's also moments now, getting more frequent, where I sit and think about what's happening and why is she acting like this now.

I'm not sure what I feel. Its an entire internal battle with me when it concerns my mother. On one hand, i feel that she doesn't realise how cutting her words are sometimes. In addition, she seems so negative all the time now, and I expect (or want) her to be more understanding, to be more 'gentle' in that sense. Just, to be more appreciative of us and our good traits and be thankful that we're not delinquents rather than to nitpick on our faults and keep complaining about them. On the other hand, I also understand where she's coming from. She's working hard, her work place is stressful and tiring, and she has her own internal battles to fight and her own demons to overcome, and she wants us to be better than what we are now.

Maybe I'm asking too much here, and maybe my self-esteem isn't all that great to begin with, for my mother to so easily make me feel like an ungrateful bitch with just a 10 minute random lecture. So perhaps, it is expecting too much for my mother to, instead of point out our flaws, just tell us how much she loves us and what of our good qualities she likes about us. Its the same message, just a different way of delivering it. *sigh*. Perhaps I shouldn't expect too much out of anything. Sometimes, I wish I can be just like a whiny bitchy teen. Selfish and Uncaring, so I won't have this internal emotional conflict, of understanding, yet also wanting something more.

Aside from the frequent clashes I've had with mom this week (especially Monday), there was the Jon's party thing. Jon's birthday was last Friday. 14th March. I was in Malaysia and my phone wasn't with me, hence, I wasn't able to wish him a happy birthday. I believe the entire XO team forgot as well. That's just so us -.-.

Either way, Pearly decided to have a get-together session and a belated 'party' for Jon. We settled on my home as a venue, since we used to have most of our bowlers get-together at my house. Pearly invited Darren, and she didn't ask me if I was okay about it until AFTER she invited Darren. I panicked the most of Tuesday Night. I've been avoiding Darren for months ever since the entire cleavage-staring incident the night of his first book-out. I felt that he hasn't changed one bit. So, the big dilemma. To say no, and appear to be a petty, whiny bitch and to deprive Jon of his friend at his belated birthday get-together, or to say yes and spend a day being in awkward silence. I chose the latter, after a few hours of thinking and just, reliving bad memories. Isn't it funny how bad memories stick more than good ones?

So yeah, that was the whole crappy incident on Tuesday.

Wednesday, today, was the get-together. I woke up late, but the bowlers were even later. We planned at 2pm. Jon arrived at 3pm, Pearly, Brian and Gerald at 4pm, Darren at 4.30pm , Kari around 4.45pm and Marcus at about 5pm. I somewhat ignored Darren the whole of today. Spoke to him, about 4 lines in total. LOL. I think everybody noticed, but I really really did not want to interact with him. At least, on the bright side, he did behave himself rather well today. No weird stares, no excuses to come near me, no lewd comment. Just engrossed with his computer in the study room along with Brian and Jon. BUT, like everyday this week thus far, today held the worst surprise of all.

I planned most of my Basic Theory Lessons, Practice, Evaluation and Test on the 10th January, when I first signed up with the school. I changed the Lessons timing a few dozen times as it is. But the Evaluation and Test remained the same. So, today, I logged on to double check my Basic Theory Practice timing for tomorrow, when I realised that my Basic Theory Test was not included in the entire schedule as reflected online. I panicked, and tried to rebook the test. There's no more slots left on march, and the next avaliable one would be on the 10th June. So, I booked that first, and since my Evaluation had to be done within a fortnight before my Test, I tried to shift my Evaluation Date. There are no open dates for Evaluation in May or June. I panicked, and checked my account transaction.

According to the system, I cancelled my Basic Theory Test on Sunday Night. Around 11pm. A few minutes before midnight. See, even if I ACCIDENTLY cancelled my Basic Theory Test, I'd've probably booked another Practice/Evaluation in its place. But, the ONLY transaction I did that day was to cancel my Test. I can't remember doing anything related to rescheduling my test on Sunday Night (I was zonked out from the trip from KL back to Singapore). I checked my chat logs and I was making a call at that time. I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I am calling the centre tomorrow and demand that they fix it. It was NOT ME that cancelled the booking and I have NO IDEA what the hell is happening. But I want my license AS SOON AS IT IS POSSIBLE.

*sigh*.. this week sucks. Really. Emotional conflicts about random issues, my family, my life. Maybe its because I did badly for A levels, and hence, everything is so... loose at the moment. There's no fixed structure, and its scary in a way. I just hope that this week has enough surprises for me. I just want a more relaxed 2nd half of the week.

A level results

2008-03-17T02:41:00.003+08:00

I'm late in announcing my A level results. LOL. Not because I was ashamed of it, but because I needed time to get my bearing before I blog again. I openly declared my A level results on my MSN Personal Message. There's hardly any regrets, or I don't allow myself to regret, either way, its the same to me.

GP - C
Literature - D
Biology - D
Maths - E
Chem - E

So, according to my H2 subjects, I got a DEE. I'm not so optimistic to think that I can get into a university with my results. Especially since Psychology seems like such a popular option this year.

I think, in some ways, the weight of the results haven't really fully hit me yet. I'm not asking to be the best, I like competition, but not as much as I faced the past 2 or so years. I think, in a way, I gave myself too much excuses. I spent most of my time complaining about the education system, and the unfairness of whatever, without really stopping to think of how I can change it. Its not anybody's fault but mine. However, I'm choosing to look at it as a lesson, a painful lesson, but a lesson nonetheless. I won't be in a hurry to make the same mistake again, that's for sure.

Sometimes, I feel like crying, I look at my results, and I think to myself, that I failed. For the first time, I failed in a major examination. And the worse thing is that I didn't fail a thing. BCDDEE is a pass, I passed everything. But DEE as H2 subjects, I won't be able to enter any course probably. But I still passed.

LOL, the first thing I said when I saw my results.. *HEY! I passed! XD*. Then I saw my results carefully... E's, not good, D's expected. Where's that B I wanted for GP?! o.0. Then.. that's when I started crying and soaking Kari's shirt. LOL. Oh well. Crying's over. Crying won't change what happened. I passed a very low pass. I just need to do what I have to do. I've already thought it out the past week. I submitted my application for Uni at the NUS portal as it is. Nothing left to lose after all. I'll apply for retaking the A levels, the exact same subjects. Then I'll apply for SATs 2 if I have time, and that's me all set. I'll work this year, and afterwhich, I'll take the exams at the end of this year and see how it is.

Its a weird feeling, really. I don't have school, I'm waiting to enter into my next contract for work. I just have to self study. Never before have I appreciated school as much as I do now. For the past decade and a half, school was all I've known. Life was set in that sense. I wake up, go to school, get home, do homework, and slack. I always had school. be in in Singapore, England or Scotland. Its ALWAYS the same, school. I looked forward to breaks and holidays, and made the usual excuses for homework not done. I smiled when I got A's and I promised to do better if I failed (not so much in the past few years, but that happened alot in the UK).

I'm not sure where went wrong. I was SO ambitious. I wanted to be the best in the school, I actually did my homework, I studied hard, and not only that, I ENJOYED studying hard. That was in the UK. I came back to Singapore, and suddenly, I wasn't so good anymore. I got thrown into the Normal Academic stream, coz nobody thought I was good. I went to express, and from there, everything went downhill. O levels was just a stroke of really good luck.

I'm not too sure where that love of learning went to. Now, its like, I feel so loose. No school, no pressure. Just work, do my own things, and retake the exams. I feel slightly lost, without the constant guidance of the teachers I've taken for granted the majority of my life thus far. What's worse was the look on my teacher's face when I took my results. It was disappointment, pure and simple. I don't like people being disappointed in me, and what's worse, I don't like being disappointed in myself.

I seem to have lost my way academically the past 6-7 years, and I didn';t realise it until this ONE result. The DEE. It woke me up.

Results isn't the world. I know that, I've been telling myself that for the past few weeks. I am more than that. My personality, the way I carry myself, the way I talk, the way I relate to others. That's me. That's the true me. Not the 6 letters on my result slips.

Nobody goes through life without falling. I've been lucky so far to not suffer a big 'fall'. This A level results isn't even a big fall, its just a minor stumble. I'll pick myself back up and retake it and try to conquer it. I just hope I'm strong enough for it. I have to be, this is life, there will be far more things to face, far worse with far more at stake. This will be my trial run.

I'll post more next time about my trip to malaysia, as well as the sleepover at Azu's house =).

Pre A-Lvl Results Release

2008-03-07T13:26:00.002+08:00

Yes yes, I know, I haven't updated this blog in over 2 months.

Some brief recap of my life. My contract with Orchard Hotel Singapore has expired. So I'm technically looking for another job =P. I'm thinking of the one where Macy's sister works at. The event company. I'll probably meet up with Patsy soon to talk about it.

Other than that, I'm also totally broke O_O. Spent quite a bit these few weeks. There's the dental fees, doctor's fees, the fees for removing the planar warts on my toes, that time I spent 150 buying books coz I walked into a bookstore unsupervised, Buying mom's valentine's day present (uPapa), buying some random things for myself, the stupid bus fare increased, fixing the comp etc...

So yeah, despite my somewhat reasonable salary, I'm broke -.-....

Waiting for my final Paycheck from Orchard Hotel ^^

Anyways, A levels results are to be released in about an hour (Now add an additional hr for all the speech, statistics etc... to be done with). I'm scared, scared witless. This will be my 2nd time taking the results for a national examination, with the first being O levels. O levels, I didn't know what to expect, and I was pleasantly surprised when I got all A's and B's. So Surprised that I cried =P. Now, my emotions are conflicting. Part of me wished for the luck I had during O levels, that I will get good grades (Good as in A, B or C, my standard isn't that high) despite the fact that I failed my way though JC exams. Then again, PJC isn't a top JC, BPGHS is one of the top high schools. So I had faith in BPGHS, but not as much in PJC. Furthermore, I really really was not ready for the A levels exams. Hell, I wasn't ready for the O levels either, but I scraped through.

Part of me is wishing for a miracle, and part of me is bracing myself for the worse. The rational me is expecting something like BCDDC (yeah, I actually DREAMT that O_O) for my A level results. However, I could VERY easily get worse than that, and I could get higher. The chances of me getting lower than that is higher though, which is what freaks me out. Actually, BCDDC is gonna suck however I look at it. B and C will HAVE to be GP and Lit, my best 2 subjects. Meaning I'll get CDD for my H2 subject, means I won't really have anywhere to go O_O.

I really really REALLY hope I get better than that.

Stupid thing is that I've all these plans. I plan to go to JCU if I get adequate grades, NUS/NTU into ANY course if I get not-so-adequate grades, and retake if I did crappily. I'm prepared for (nearly) any scenario. But I don't wanna put the last 2 to the test T.T

Anyways, no point worrying myself sick.. I'll get my results soon, and maybe an interview with Patsy. I'll post my results up on this blog later this afternoon if its not that hedious. Then I'll have to call my mom and tell HER the results (coz she's in KL at the moment, business trip. I can't even rush to my mommy and cry on her shoulders).

Tata for now, its time to face the truth and grab the results. Hope for the best, prepare for the worse.

random update

2008-01-04T00:19:00.000+08:00

Yes yes, I know, lack of updates recently. Well, I've been somewhat busy. Got a Job, Sales and Marketing at Orchard Hotel. Started off boring as hell, improved slightly. Answering calls, doing corporate rates, making bookings, yadda yadda yadda. Anyways, other than the usual work, the new year. Was unable to make it to Edwin's party coz mom won't allow (new year is a time for family apparently), plus I was feeling pretty UGH anyways. Flu Virus. Seriously, one enclosed office, no windows, with people being sick, kinda sucks.

Anyways, I'm kinda this close away from murdering myself at the moment. I can't breathe properly, nose is perpetually clogged. Feeling lightheaded, fever came and went on the 1st Jan (lovely way to spend the first day of 2008). Basically, I feel shitty. I hope I get well soon, I really really hate being sick with the flu.

So yea, other than work, and new year, and a somewhat boring christmas, there's not much. Just gonna post up a random quiz thingy that I felt was rather accurate about me, from my point of view anyways.

Get to know yourself better

Your view on yourself:You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on educationYou may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.

What are you most afraid of:You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

PROM NIGHT (and another stupid quiz)

2007-12-06T17:52:00.000+08:00

Well, 4th of December has came and went. My last ever prom night (coz as I've been told, Uni doesn't have prom T.T). My sleep pattern is still totally messed up (sleep pattern? WHAT sleep pattern?!). Sleeping at 6am, waking at 3pm, totally peachy o.0.

Anyways, wore my brown dress, had to pin the stupid dress up. And even then, I had to keep readjusting the bloody dress over and over again coz my bra was showing. Next time, I'm gonna get a dress with a more modest cut. So yeah, did my hair and makeup at auntie jovina's place. Hair just got straightened actually, coz I didn't want to tie it up. Having those prom hairstyles with a whole shitload of hairspray and really really uncomfortable stuff isn't my thing, plus I look old enough as it is, no point looking older still =P.

Prom was good enough, the usual table games, scrambling to take tonnes of photos, the nomination for Prom King and Queen (and the really REALLY surprising bit where Brian, a prom king nominee, announced his love for Pearly on stage *melts*). The after prom party, however, IS A BLAST =D. We (Brian, Darren, Jon, Pearly and I) weren't too sure about entering the club actually (the Arena at Clarke Quay). I never thought myself to be a clubbing person ever, but I did want to try it out =P. Anyways, walked to pearly's mom's workplace to say hi (it was rather near to clarke quay), then walked back. Jon, Darren and I decided to go in, Pearly was too tired, so pearly and Brian took a seat near the river (a canal in my honest opinion). The music was LOUD! And it was totally CROWDED. But yeah, nice atmosphere, saw Marcus, squeezed our way over to him, danced for a while until I contacted my class to ask if they wanted to come along. Spent a good 30 mins trying to direct them to the club, then to the atm machine, then to the club again =P.

But yeah, overall, clubbing was fun. Darren and Jon left at around 2am coz Pearly was tired and wanted to go off (they were to spend the night at Jon's house), but I wasn't quiet ready to go yet, so it was a simple matter of staying with my class =P. 2 of my friends (and classmate) got slightly tipsy, was rather amusing. I didn't get tipsy though, felt the beginning of tipsiness, but never actually crossed the line. Thank God for that o.0. We all left at 4.30am, when the club closed =P. Overall, it was a nice and fun experience =D.

Oh, if anybody's interested, the photos can be found on my bebo account (coz I have NO IDEA how to put up photos on blogger, anybody willing to teach? =P)

http://www.bebo.com/PhotoAlbum.jsp?MemberId=1074930779&PhotoNbr=1&PhotoAlbumId=6293985535

and yes, I do know that I lack poses, but hey, I can't be bothered =P. Oh, and yes, I am aware that my eyes look punched (in the later photos, as highlighted by Jonesy), but I was wearing contacts, and the eyeshadow was brown due to the brown dress, and my eyes just got slightly puddy =P.

Anyways, was reading Vincent's blog, and saw this quiz, and was getting a little too bored...

Quiz!

W H O . W A S . T H E . L A S T . P E R S O N . T H A T?

1. You hung out with? Edwin, Joshua, Samuel and Daniel, waiting for the first train.

2. Saw you cry: Erm... can't remember honestly speaking...

3. Went to the movies with you? Jon, Darren, Nick and Megan, (Watching Enchanted)

4. You went to the mall with? Jon, Darren, Brian, Pearly, Samantha, Cara, Tofu and Malvin (to buy prom clothes for the guys)

5. You went to dinner with? Prom night, 500 odd Pioneers =P

6. You talked on the phone to? Mom =P

7. Said ‘I love you’ to you and really meant it? Mommy =P

8. Made you laugh? My classmates while clubbing =D.

W O U L D . Y O U . R A T H E R?

1. Pierce your nose or tongue? Neither, piercing my ears was bad enough

2. Be serious or be funny? Funny... though when I'm nervous, I tend to be really serious o.0

3. Drink whole or skim milk? Skimmed Milk, I love milk XD

4. Die in a fire or drown? Neither, I wanna live till an old age, though if I had no choice, it'll be drowning. Less painful and you get a nice view of the ocean floor as you die =P.

5. Spend time with your parents or enemies? My parents, I love my parents, I hate my enemies, obvious choice.

D O . Y O U . P R E F E R. .

1. Flowers or candy? Flowers, they're sweet =)

2. Gray or black? Black... Grey makes me look washed out

3. Color or Black and white photos? Colour (though I look pretty good in black and white)

4. Lust or love? Both, then you'd get a relationship, but if I had to choose one, Love.

5. Sunrise or sunset? Sunset. though with my sleeping pattern as it is now, I get to see both =P

6. M&Ms or Skittles? M&Ms, Chocolates forever =D

8. Staying up late or waking up early? Staying up late! (like duh!)

A N S W E R . T R U T H F U L L Y !!

1. Do you like anyone? Nope, not at the moment.

2. Do they know it? Theres nobody to know.

D O . Y O U . P R E F E R.

1. Sun or moon? Moon, the sun offends me, daily.

2. Winter or Fall? Winter (SNOOOOOOOOW!)

3. Left or right? Right. I'm right handed, and I like being right =P (yes yes, lame, I know)

4. 10 acquaintances or having two best friends?: Two best friends., Quality over quantity.

5. Sunny or rainy?: Rainy, more cooling, bonus if you get to play in the rain =P

6. Vanilla ice cream or chocolate ice cream? Chocolate ice cream! Vanilla's kinda tasteless =P

A B O U T . Y O U

1. What time is it?: 18 35

2. Nickname(s): Oh Goodness, tonnes. Pam, Pammy, Pamboobs, boobs (don't ask, really), Pamburger, Camera, Pamsy, Lampa Mela (I bet my parents didnt notice that when they gave me my name...) and a hell lot more...

3. What is your birth date?: 6th January 1989

4. What do you want? I want to get into uni, graduate with a good degree, go onto masters sometime later, good job, good family, peaceful and happy life =)

5. Where do you want to live? A peaceful and safe environment. ALSO, A place with SEASONS!

6. How many kids do you want?: between 2 to 4 =P, Preferably 4...

7. You want to get married? Yes please!

U N I Q U E

1. Nervous habit: Playing with my watch.

2. Are you double jointed?: Nope, but I know somebody who is.

3. Can you roll your tongue?: Not very well...

4. Can you raise one eyebrow? Kinda... I dunno.

5. Can you cross your eyes?: Yup.

6. Do you make your bed daily? Nope.. no reason to, its gonna get messed up soon enough anyways.

R A N D O M

1. Which shoe goes on first? right, I think....

2. Ever thrown a shoe at someone? Nope, wanted to but no.

3. What is your craziest experience ever? Erm, dunno, I've done loads of crazy things....

F O O D

1. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Twirl

2. Have you ever eaten spam? yup

3. Favorite ice cream: Ben and Jerrys

4. How many kinds of cereal are in your cabinet? none... I don't get up early enough for cereal.

5. What’s your favorite beverage? Whiskey + Coke XD.

6. Do you cook? Does instant noodles count?

IN . T H E . L A S T . M O N T H . H A V E . Y O U ?

1. Bought something: Yup, shopping spree XD.

2. Sang: yup yup =)

3. Been hugged: All the time XD.

4. Felt stupid: Loads of times...

5. Missed someone: Yup

6. Danced crazy: CLUBBING XD. w00tz!

7. Gotten your hair cut: yes, and highlighted =P

8. Cried: Probably not

9. Lied: Possibly?

You guys have been tagged by me.Those who have read this post, you have been tagged by me! Go do this quiz and pass the tag on! =]

EXAMS ARE OOOOOOVER!

2007-11-27T02:04:00.000+08:00

Okok, Exams over. I can't be bothered with a blow-by-blow account of the Killer A Levels. Did okay in some papers, did crappy in others. At best, I think a BBBC (and that's REALLY optimistic), at worse, about a CCDD or smt I think. I rather HOPE I don't go lower than THAT!

Anyways, its only been *thinks* 4 days since my exams have ended. There's still the usual adjustments, like my sleep pattern is still in the mugger's mode. I still feel guilty playing games, as if I ought to be studying. But hey, it takes time =P. I feel so much more lighter though.

Had some problems with some planning clashing with some friend's activity. Oh well, nothing in life goes as planned I supposed. Still annoyed to some extent though.

Oh, I highlighted my hair today. RED HIGHLIGHTS! Its subtle, but nice =D. Also got it cut, so its shorter now. Went window shopping with Jon as well, for HIS prom things. Already arranged with Auntie jovina to pop by the salon before prom for hair and makeup =). Went to watch Enchanted with Meg, Nick, Jon and Darren. The movie was funny only because it plays up on all the cheesiness of most disney fairytales. I love Disney, they can actually make a few films making fun of themselves! They're also extremely active lately, with movies like shrek, High School Musical, Enchanted, etc...

Anyways, the main point of this post... Thanx to Vincent, or else this blog would have remained stagnant...

1. Do the following without complains.
2. Choose 5 people to do this quiz after you've done yours.
3. Tag the chosen one.
4. Start your post with "i've been tagged"
I've been tagged by VINCENT. (bad bad baaaaad boy! LOL)

Favourites

Colour: Black, Solid Red or Blue.

Food: Japanese Food and Italian

Movie: Anything with a GOOD plot. Best if its HORROR! (anybody wanna go catch a horror movie with me? pretty please?)

Sport: Bowling and Swimming

Day: Saturday! (for sleeping late and waking late XD)

Season: Winter. Its cold as hell, but snow ROCKS.

Ice cream: Ben and Jerry's Cookies and Cream are to DIE FOR!

Current mood: Happy

Clothes: Anything that makes me look good and slim, which means its either black or really dark coloured.

Time: Erm, anytime I'm having fun really...

Surrounding: I'm gonna come right out and say it. I'm a cliche person at heart (there's my secret out), therefore, I'd choose the beach, with a full moon, lovely time to enjoy the sound of waves =D.

Annoyances: HOW in the world can I have a FAVOURITE annoyance? Kinda like contradicting. If I find it annoying, I won't enjoy it (which is what favourite implies). Annoying people annoys me. =P.

First

Bestfriend: Nikki (but lost contact, my first friend in the UK)

Crush: Callum Duncan (he knows about it anyways =P)

Movie: The Lion king!

Music: first music? I think probably lullaby... when my parents *TRIED* to sing me to sleep (didn't work, I was as much as a vampire then as I am now)

Lasts

Drink: Alcoholic = Chives+Coke, non-alcoholic = Lychee drink.

Car ride: 1 hour ago, when mom was driving us home.

Crush: Darren, my first BF, now my first ex as well =P. We're still friends though.

Phonecall: KARI (Is AwesomeSauce! XD)

Cd played: Drivetime Music, loads of GOOD classical music, super nice.

Gone out with good friends: erm, *counts*... 4 hours ago.

Broken a law: Underaged drinking, not done that since my 18th birthday =P

Been arrested: Never, Me? get in trouble with the law? You have GOTTA be kidding me.

Been on TV: Erm, 2007, June. On News 5 Tonight =P. They were making some report on the naval open house, I happened to be working there, got a few seconds of airtime =P.

Kissed someone you don't know: Never, geeze, what kinda gal do you think I am? (Don't answer that)

5 things i am good at:

1) Arguing (even without evidence =P)
2) Sleeping
3) Chatting
4) Being on the computer for LONG hours
5) Speaking to people (even strangers I suppose...)

People to tag [No repeating] :

1) JAMES (I know you read this, and that you don't have a blog, e-mail me it =P)
2) Pearly
3) KARI

That;s about it, unless Adalmin is so utterly bored that she reads this and she feels like doing it =P.

Anyways, that's all for now, will update soon when I have more information on my other job opportunities, and of course, about PROM! Photos coming up as soon as I learn how to post up photos on my blog. Anybody willing to teach me? =P.

Hello A lvls!

2007-10-29T14:28:00.000+08:00

*panics*

Yup, its the A levels. Spent slightly more than 1.5 years preparing for this hell. Worse, I'm not ready. I can truthfully say that I'm NOT READY for this. Been doing TYS questions all the time, don't even WANT to touch prelim questions coz I'm scared of hell of what I'll be seeing.

Oh well, at least I tried, that's all I can say and do. I'll just give it my all. Expect the worse but pray for the best. *sigh*. Running on adrenaline these few days, and verging on a panic spree. I'll just have to pull in my emotions and keep them under heavy-duty lockdown until after the A lvls. I'll panic all I want after A's. Now, I'll just have to try to face this monster. On the bright side, I never regretted coming to JC. Its been a good experience.

Anyways, good luck to all my friends taking A levels. =). Just put in your best and see what happens yeah?

mommy gave up...

2007-10-19T01:41:00.000+08:00

As scary as it sounds. My mom gave up on my bro and I. Trust me, this is a VERY scary though.

Basically, my bro didn't do too well in HIS exams. And its streaming this year for him. Time to choose subject combination, and he OUGHT to do well to get into the subject combination of his choice. But, he failed Maths and the rest of his subjects were borderline passes. I kinda feel bad for him, coz *I* scolded him, my mom scolded him, and pretty much anybody in the family with the right to scold him did scold him. I just got peeved off I supposed. I spent HOURS teaching him, putting my own revision on hold just coz he had his exams coming up and rushing home to teach him his maths. In the end, he still failed. Its not as if I don't want to put in the effort, I really put in my hardest regarding to my bro. I put HIS education before my own. I suppose the only problem was that I was too soft on him perhaps? He had tuition everyday from monday to friday before his exams, and I was perhaps too lenient on him those days. I gave him minimal questions and allowed him to watch TV and play games to destress. Perhaps I ought to have just been harsher with him. BUT, I do NOT appreciate my mom telling me that I ought to have tried harder. That its just because I did not give him ample attention that HE failed. I see my friends, and I see them ignoring their younger siblings. I see some of my friends fighting with their younger siblings. I see myself rushing home after a long and tiring day at school just to get home in time to start teaching my brother, and I see myself getting part of the blame for my brother's results.

Oh well, what's done is done. Thankfully, he only failed maths. The rest were borderline, but I'm just hoping that he'll do better for O levels.

Now, my own. Fine, I suppose its really my own fault. I didn't prioritise properly. I was too focused on short term gratification rather than long term goals. I'd rather have the fun here and now rather than work for a hazy *maybe*. But still, its not as if I *want* to fail. Trust me, if I could give up a year of my life just to pass this bloody A levels, I would.

I asked mom to sign my prelim slip today. She just told me that she's giving up on my bro and I. Perhaps we ought to look into things that doesn't need qualification. After all, she doesn't have much qualification and she's doing pretty well in her career. It kinda hurts to hear her contemplate such things, especially with 12 days to go till the exams. IF I had gotten the A level results back, and I did as badly as I did for the prelims (or worse), then I would understand. But she's just doing all these just over PRELIMS.

*sigh*. This kinda suck. I don't regret my decision to come to PJC. I've made great friends, and i've had wonderful moments these 2 years that's forever etched in my memory. But sometimes, I'd just wish that they'll see the bigger picture. Shouldn't they be glad that I'm not on drugs, puffing my life away while sleeping with anybody who even looks at me that way? Shouldn't they be glad that I'm home teaching my brother and playing my games rather than out with gangs?

Parents always say that they'll rather have their children at home than out with gangs, that they'll rather have their kids still at school with bad results than out dealing drugs. Yet, when you're all these things, they want more. They want grade A kids. They want you to be 'perfect'.

Well, I can't be perfect. I tried, I tried so many times. I can't withstand pressure all that well. I cave in easily. I like to play my games. I like to chat with friends and I like to take my time and procrastinate. Suddenly, this is all bad just coz I got a bloody bad result. Its like she's LABELLING me based on a bloody piece of paper saying that I FAILED. That since I failed at SCHOOL, I FAIL AT BEING A GOOD DAUGHTER TOO!

Fuck this, its seriously annoying. For once, I just wish she'll stop linking MY RESULTS to MY PERSONALITY. Just because I failed once does not make me a failing for LIFE. Just because I failed during Prelims does NOT mean I'll fail during my A levels.

Now it hits the shitty part. A levels is 12 days away. My revision is going really slowly. I don't know what I want to do anymore. My dad gave up on my bro and I long ago. He believes that my bro doesn't have the IQ to do well academically. He used to think that I was a delinquent out there doing drugs (when I was actually having extra A.maths tuition). Now, he still can't be bothered. He thinks its our lives, and its our choice, and if we wanted anything, we'll just go to him.

Its different when nobody believes you anymore. Mom used to tell me that its okay, that its just a failed exam. That I could do better because I've the potential. Now, she just gives up. What if she's right? Maybe all that 'potential' went to waste just because I didn't spend all my time at the books and revising my bloody head off. What if I didn't have that spark of potential in the first place, and what all my teachers and friends said about that 'potential' was just wishful thinking? After all, coach said I had great potential for bowling, and I just scored average for the competition, and my bowling skills sucks even more now.

I don't know what to think anymore. Mom giving up on us has more of an impact than I'd ever imagine.

sick... UGH

2007-10-15T00:18:00.000+08:00

So yeah, crappy things happened. But I shall remain OPTIMISTIC DAMMIT!

So... I'm sick. I'm sneezing left right and centre atm. The flu virus loves me. Actually, its the Influenze virus, and its from the Adenovirus groups, and I need to stop sprouting out my bio notes -.-. Anyways, yeah, Yay to the flu virus? I've been waiting for it actually. I've been feeling like crap the past few week, headachy, lethargic as hell, lack of concentration etc. Its the hovering in between well and unwell feeling and it SUCKS. Especially since it means that I haven't been studying in the past week. Well, I tried, but its not like its effective or anything. I'm just gonna let this illness come. I can't be bothered trying to fend it off when all it means is that I'm stuck between well and unwell, and I can't study anyways. I'm gonna let it come, and the faster it hits, the faster it leaves. Hopefully, I'll be able to finish my revision in time. I've lost a hell lot of time as it is.

Other than that, I've sprained my ankle! Whee~. Basically, was playing with my bro in the bedroom. The usual pillow fight and tackling each other on the bed and such, haven't played like this with him for AGES. So yeah, just jumping around, landing on each other, hitting each other with pillows etc (and guys wonder why I'm so rough =P). Anyways, while playing, my bro tackled me off the bed, and I landed wrongly on my right foot, and with HIS weight AND mine, yeah, there was this lovely CRACK sound, and my ankle got twisted. Oh joy. I'll just have to hobble around for the next few days.

So, this is the perfect situation. Flu AND a twisted ankle, I love my life. Worse thing is, its Kenneth's birthday tomorrow. AND, we're supposed to be going to cineleisure's K-box to celebrate. BUT, I can't now, coz not only can I not walk without killing myself with pain, I'm sneezing as well. Oh well. Lets hope the flu goes away REALLY QUICKLY and I can get back to torturing my mind with revision.

Away to the Negative Thoughts!

2007-10-09T21:58:00.000+08:00

Lol, I realised my posts were kinda desperate/negative/upsetting lately. Guess its the stress getting to all of us. I could sense the tension in school, and its so thick that I would have thought it possible to be sliced with a knife.

Anyways, this is the last week of school. The absolute last week. After this, no more official lessons. No more dozing off in class (coz I won't be in class in the first place). No more meeting up with friends. No more teasing the guys in class. Its going to be so weird. I've grown to love PJC and its sad that in a few days, I'll be 'leaving' the college. I'll be back for exams, I'll be back to take my results next February, but I won't be a student in PJC anymore. Its kinda sad in a sense. I've never really felt so comfortable in a school before. Other than the severe stress I've been under the past year I was at PJ, its still a great school.

Now, Its time for me to face reality. I can try till the cows come home, but I doubt I'll be able to finish all the revision in time. So, its time to study smart. Screw the notes, TYS is now my new best friend for the next 5 weeks or so.

I *have* to remain positive. I can't allow myself to give up SO CLOSE to the finishing line. Its not like I can retain even if I wanted to. I'll just have to do reeeeally well. If my friend could get from a UUU to an ABC, I could do it too! *banish all negative thoughts*. I really really need to immerse myself in a pool of positivity. Which is getting harder, when I see all those people who naturally score higher than me panic like hell. Oh well. I know myself best, and I hope I haven't 'killed' myself in the sense of too much slacking. Yet again, give the choice, I won't have done anything all that different. I'm not much of a consistent worker after all. To force myself to be consistent and a mugger is just gonna send me into another wave of depression, and I seriously don't need that right now. Last year was bad enough.

[rant] Anyways, the HEAT LATELY IS KILLING ME! I've never felt so stifled by the heat since, EVER! Yeah, the heat is basically killing my studying and sleeping patterns lately. I think the heat is getting worse and worse. Even when it rains, it gets back to the usual hot, humid, killing heat. Kinda like putting droplets of water on a heated pan. I suspect that I'm having such an adversed reaction to the weather is partly due to the fact that I spend 6 years of my life in a relatively cold climate. Still, this kinda of weather is terrible. I've been spending the last few days feeling dizzy and sick with a raging headache. Drank loads of water, still felt UGH. Couldn't concentrate, mind feels foggy. As a result, my planned studying time from (average) 4pm to 8pm in school and 10pm till 1am at home has been reduced to 9pm till 3am. Its wrecking havoc on my non-existant sleep cycle. I REALLY hope the weather gets better soon! [/rant]

Anyways, I've overshot my blogging time (partially due to the STILL hot and sticky weather, and hence, I still don't feel like doing my work). Will update whenever I feel like it. To those taking A's or any other exams, good luck, do your best, no regrets. Most importantly, try not to stress too much =). Health comes first. The weather nowadays is the perfect condition to get sick, so don't make it any easier to do so!

Screwed...

2007-10-03T19:47:00.000+08:00

LOL, noticed that I had loads of negative posts lately. Probably due to the dark presence of A lvls looming behind me.

27 more days!! *screams*

I planned my revision timetable, supposedly, if all goes well, I'll finish revising everything by the 24th October, giving me a week (not counting GP, as if I'm gonna revise GP -.-) before the main paper really hits me on the head. That one week is like a buffer period, coz I think I might not be able to follow my schedule to the dot. Its optimism at its best =P.

Anyways, my prelim results came back.. Screwed is the only way to describe it. BUUUU (for those who don't know, U is like F... basically it stands for Undergraded. Its 34% and below =P). So yeah, Got B for GP, though that's not much of a surprise. I'd go kill myself if I failed English.

The U's are for my other subjects -.-. Mathematics was atrocious. 19%?! LOL, I haven't hit 19% since A.maths in sec 3! Literature, well, its the first time I EVER failed literature. 5/25 for unseen poetry (granted, I only had 15 mins to write that essay, so its my fault really :P), 7/25 for Pride and prejudice essay (and I really thought that I did well on that!) and 13/25 for my Othello Essay. 30.5% for Chemistry and 20.5% for Biology. Basically, I'm in deeeeep shit.

I'm so tired out recently... Half of me wants to give up right now and just say screw it, maybe I'm not cut out for further studies. The other half of me is currently berating me for even THINKING about giving up. I supposed its just 4 weeks left, so may as well go all out for it, regretting about it after the exams is gonna be one sucky feeling. Especially that "what if" scenario.

Oh well, its just the last stretch, I may as well go all out, but its hard telling yourself that when you've been sleeping less than 3 hours each night and when you study so much you start dreaming about exams.

I'll have to thank the teachers though. I've let myself slack ever since I came back to Singapore. The education system here makes studying hell, it makes studying more of a chore. For somebody who spent 6 years with the UK education system where they actually make learning FUN, it was a hard switch. I didn't do my homework, I dozed off half of the time in class, and I just spaced out the other half of the time. Yet, for my horrendous results, the teachers have been giving me nothing but encouragement, showing statistics of those who have gotten straight A's after getting a failing grade during prelims. They encouraged us not to give up, even though, in my opinion, they have the perfect right to give up on us. I felt that I haven't shown my teachers the respect they deserved. I was not attentive, I didn't do their work, and yet, they REFUSED TO GIVE UP ON US. Really, if they did, I wouldn't have blamed them one bit, coz we would have deserved it.

Anyways, 4 weeks left. Just one last mad dash now. I hope I can do well. 2 years of sometimes suicidal hard work, reduced to one final showdown, the A levels exams, in just 4 weeks. Good luck to everybody taking A levels alongside me. Lets hope we can all do well. Hope is the only thing that keeps me going.

Prelims Pwns Pam!

2007-09-13T00:36:00.000+08:00

Really, I've never felt so defeated by exams, EVER. The maths paper, oh goodness. EVEN If I DID study, I won't have been able to answer. Seriously. Really. SCREWED. Literature was today. Can't think properly, wrote crap, am so gonna die in class. None of my papers made it pass 3 pages in length, with my poetry the worse at 1 page and 8 lines. I had 20 minutes left for poetry. Horray.

I really really REALLY don't feel like studying anymore. I've screwed up big time. I need a fricking time machine, travel back in time, and slap myself silly for not studying earlier. Really, time is running short and I'm really screwed. I can't think properly anymore, its information overload at its most extreme. Mr. A was right, cramming doesn't work.

I'm just so so sooo tired, not physically (though I have NO idea why I'm still alive after 4 days of near sleeplessness) but emotionally and mentally. totally exhausted and wondering why the hell I'm doing this. On the bright side... its just 7 more weeks. Just go for it, no regrets, I've already made more than I ought to. Just summon all my strength and make it pass that finish line. I want to survive this with a good grade, please... I wanna go uni....

Pwned.

2007-09-11T00:44:00.000+08:00

Prelims started, first paper : Chem paper... t0t4l pwn4g3. Really, I got so badly beaten up by that paper. The first question was great, Amino Acids, It was in Bio =D. Yeah, until I totally didn't read that line that says "It undergoes combustion to form water, nitrogen and carbon Dioxide" and spent nearly 10 minutes coming up with equations with NO2. THEN, I read that line, and FORGOT that Nitrogen is N2(g). I went to write N(s). I need to kill myself now. Didi questions 1, 2, 4 and 5. Didn;t do transitional elements coz I was unsure. Question 2, I had 15 minutes to do. I love myself =P. Organic chemistry was 0.o at best. I just drew some weird thingy and prayed =P.

Anyways, not only did chemistry pwn me, Ladies Fate and Luck decided to taunt me too! =P .

I listen to the radio when I do my work, especially Class 95 coz its in english and I like the songs. So, I heard this sms contest, thought what the hell, its only 30 cents. So I wrote an sms and sent it in. I didn't expect to win. In fact, I thought it wasn't valid =P. The task was to write an sms saying who you want to most take revenge on (for a chance to win preview tickets to Rogue Assassin). So I typed something like I wanna take revenge on prelims and exams for stressing us all out so much (is that even a proper answer?!) and sent it in for fun, and left it as it is.

I got an sms today, telling me that I won, and I could collect my tickets from the Class 95 booth at Lido this wednesday between 6pm to 7pm and that the show starts at 7.30pm. Joy. I have literature exam that day, 3 hour paper in the morning. Worse, I have Chemistry Paper 2 on thursday morning, and I have NO idea if I ought to go. On one hand, I practically studied all my chemistry, though some chapters are still shaky. I ought to be the good girl and stay home and do practice papers. I tried giving away the tickets, and NOBODY wants them 0.o.

*sigh*. Best case scenario, I finish revision in time, I go there myself, OR, I give away both tickets. Worse case scenario, nobody goes =P. We'll have to see. The one time I win something on radio, I can't go =P. Joy of all joy.

Oh well, back to revision. Maths paper 1 and Bio paper 2 tomorrow. whee!~

rawr!

2007-08-27T01:56:00.000+08:00

okay, yes, I am blogging at *checks* 2am, coz I went totally bonkers. WHEEEEE~!

Anyways, the problem between the friends thing have been resolved (THANKS PEARLY, BRIAN AND KARI! LOVE LOVE!). Thank goodness. it was taking a whole big chunk outta me.

I survive my first weekend without maple (wow, big achievement.. for me anyways :P). Mainly due to the fact that my bro has my password. I was sooo close to strangling him for the pass on friday night -.-... But yeah, at least now the maple craving has subsided somewhat, due to the panic mode brought on by the impeding doom that is A levels.

2 weeks to prelims

9 weeks to A levels

My Organic chem is still shot, my physical chem is worse, my maths is pathetic, and my revision is all fragmented. Good luck to me. As the guys would put it. Good Game.

I'll just try my best and pray, and hope, and really try to put a stop to the whole procrastinating and lethargic mood. I need to, its only 9 more months, hope I can pull myself together for these few weeks.

Torn, Broken and Shattered,

2007-08-17T02:34:00.000+08:00

That pretty much describes how I feel right now. There's a reason why I'm on at 2.30am and still not wanting to sleep.

I feel utterly lost. Wandering about. I don't know what happened over the past few days. It was fine last week, sure, there was some minor issues, but it was by and large ignored. Now, I've lost control of my life. Worse, I've lost control of my emotions. I've learnt it the hard way, you can try, but its hard to keep emotions on a tight reign. Especially this emotion. The feeling of emptiness, of total desolation. That gaping hole within your heart that can only be caused by somebody close to you.

I've learnt my lesson. It doesn't pay to be too nice. It doesn't pay to try to please everybody. In the end, it just rips out part of your heart, and your soul. I thought I was just trying to see the good in everybody. A kind soul if you will. I wanted to see the best in people, I wanted to trust. Now I know better. This is one of life's hard lessons that one must experience it for oneself. It is no longer any good to be nice. It is not good to be naive. Not anymore. This is a cut-throat world. I understand that now. I must be strong to survive. In order to do that, I must first fortify my heart. It was a mistake, to follow in the footsteps of my best friend. She showed me what the world could be like when you take risks and trust people around you unconditionally. She never warned of the heartache that could follow. I thank her for showing me, these few years, how wonderful friendship and trust can be. We must all leave the carefree dreams of childhood behind sometimes. The fact remains, there is very little people you can trust wholeheartedly in this world.

I will fortify myself. I will try to be as unfeeling as possible. I need to detach myself emotionally. I've cried too many tears recently. I've trusted, and now I'm left to pick up my own pieces. Its a marvel. When I'm in a more logical frame of mind, I will analyse. I will analyse exactly how I got into this position, and how I've been manipulated. I will then ensure it does not happen ever again.

I must. There is no other choice. I must detach myself to survive. It was a hard lesson, but a valid lesson nonetheless. Fragile glass has to be laminated to withstand the pressures and brunt force of what the world decides to throw at it. Just as my heart has to be fortified and kept under control for me to survive what life decides to throw at me. There is now only precious few I would trust. I would keep it that way. The less people I trust, the less chances I have of being hurt again. I will not go as far as Darcy, who stated that his good regard, once lost, is lost forever. Neither will I go back to the blindly trusting person I once was. Its time for me to wake up and see the world as it is - A bed of roses, with thorns attached.

Now begins the greatest challenge this year. To pick myself back up, piece myself back together and fortify myself in time for one of the biggest hurdles of my life. A levels.

Some Random Thing

2007-08-12T18:49:00.000+08:00

Oh, if its possible, can the limited readers I have just follow these 2 links and do the thingy? I just felt like doing some self reflection and I thought this would be a nice way to go about it. To see what others think of me and if its what I thought of myself.

http://kevan.org/nohari?name=Icicle89

http://kevan.org/johari?name=Icicle89

Thanx =).

slaaack!

2007-08-12T17:56:00.000+08:00

I seriously need some MOTIVATION HERE! Really. I have been more or less slacking the past few days. The national day came and went. Celebrations in school this year kinda sucks. I enjoy the celebration and all, its was just one item by an external group. Sure, it looks cool and its all professional, but there's something heartwarming about items performed by students. hope that next year, it'll be back to the good old student performance, not that I'll actually be back in school next year. I can't retain even if I wanted to.

Okie.. There's some serious backlog which I can't be bothered to go through. Actually, I'll just give a rough overview. There's that sleepover (which I can't rmb if I blogged abt). Basically, after Mid years, swim and movie at my place. Guys came over late, swam till late. Decided to make it a sleepover instead. Hit a snag, pearly's mom said no coz of some rice cooker left on at home and that she makes it a principal that Pearly doesn't sleep over at friend's house. We hatched a few plans, called her and pleaded. To cut the long story short, Pear was allowed to stay over as long as the rice cooker was turned off. So brian and pear went to turn it off and it was near midnight by the time they were home. Had sleepover, watched 200 pounds of beauty (and cried over it). Hikari called sometime arnd 2am, totally drunk over one glass of vodka. That gal rock =P. So yeah, yadda yadda, in the end, slept at arnd 3am, end of sleepover (this is the highly condensed version mind)

okie! SUSHI OUTING! Basically, Taemi, tofu, sam, jon, darren, nick and I went for a sushi outing. Went eating sushi (duh!). Sakae Sushi, lunchtime buffet for students =D. Spent about $20 each for the buffet. w00ts, did we make it worthwhile =D. Ate a whole lot. I think we ate more than 100 plate altogether. It was definately worth it though =D. We had fun ordering from the new computer systems =P. LOL, it was some great fun and we definately had our fill. (mind you, this is another CONDENSED version =P)

OKie dokey, the main topic of this post. I HAVE BEEN SLACKING! Last weekend was Samantha's 18th birthday (on the friday) and the party (on the saturday). Friday after school, rushed home to change. Went out to Orchard with pearly, Brian and Darren. I was late (as usual) and Pearly and Brian were already hanging around Orchard. I stopped at the busstop opposite Forum and went to get my new glasses =D. So thrilled, I can now see clearly =D. Plus the new specs look great on me. Not too loud, just the usual subtle type. Hardly anybody noticed that I changed glasses as it was.

Anyways, after picking up my new glasses, went to met Samantha right outside the forum and wished her a very happy 18th =D. The rest joined us outside forum a few minutes later (talk about timing! =D). So off we went to eat coz some of them were hungry. Ended up eating Mos Burgers =P. After dinner, pearly and brian had to leave. Nick, Darren, Sam and I then went SHOPPING! Went to Zara first coz Zara was having a sale. I bought a top for sam for her birthday (coz really, the best way to get her a gift is to bring her shopping). Bought a top for myself too =D. My first green top. I don't wear green in general, coz it normally makes me look more yellow. But since I tanned a fair bit, it actually looks good on me now =P. I missed shopping. I'm not a shopaholic but I haven't been shopping since November last year =P. Dennis joined us sometime during that time frame. We went to forever 21 next. Didn't buy anything there, but tried on some dresses for fun. I love dresses in general =P. These dresses look absolutely lovely, but I won't wear them out. Both of them won't allow me to wear a bra coz of the way its designed, and I feel naked and vulnerable without my bra =P. I may be open minded, but I balk at doing these kinda things, which is rather weird, coz some girls I know walks out of the house without a bra like its 2nd nature to them 0.o.

Anyways, after shopping, we walked around orchard. Bought some snacks, and some trinkets. Reason? Coz sammy wants to go drinking. Unfortunately, my bro was with me, and mom won't feel safe with us drinking just anywhere by ourselves (even though its just a pub). Granted, it'll be the first time that I'll be drinking without parental supervision. In the end, we compromised. We drank at the pub below my mom's workplace. That way, she could watch over us and we could have more fun (coz she;ll be paying). So yeah, went there. There was some birthday celebration there as it was, so we had free food =D. Had 1/3 bottle of Chivas whiskey all by ourselves. I did the usual.. I mixed whisky with coke. Sam had ribena as a mixer (don't ask). Drank finished the whole bottle (like I said, there's only abt 10% left anyways), sang some songs, played some games. Darren had to go off real early coz he had a curfew, and he hates alcohol anyways. Sam and I got slightly tipsy. Just slightly =P. We went off to the toilets, and came back and saw a random caucasian talking to Dennis. He was so obviously trying to pick us up. Really amusing actually. His accent was so strong, and he can't be heard over the singing in the background. His pick-up methods was also overly cliche. Sam and I were on our guard nonetheless. I stopped him at some point during his monologue and asked him how old he thought Sam and I were. He replied 24 =P. So there I went, totally crushed his hope (there really shouldn't be much of one anyways) told him we were barely legal. We were 18, celebrating my best friend's birthday and I really don't think he ought to hit on somebody as young as we were =P. Right after that, mom announced that it was time for us to leave coz my bro was falling asleep, so its all good =P. Woke up the next day with a slight pounding. Not very bad, I think it was dehydration. The weather's been hell lately, add in alcohol which naturally dehydrates the body and you have a massive dehydration. Hangovers are the result of dehydration in the brain anyways. Drank some water and the headache was almost gone. Went on maple and esulin suggested that I drink 100+, which worked really well =P.

Saturday was Sammy's party. Wasn't much, just went to her condo. She booked the clubhouse for the celebration and catered food. Met Kari for the first time in eons. Her HAIR! It was the new style, totally shocked us. I was late (as usual, like duh! Pam is ALWAYS late =P). Gave sammy her top as well as an additional bottle of vodka. We didn't drink much coz her dad was there, just a glass of irish cream which was alcoholic enough =P. Went home to maple a fair bit =P. Nothing much overall really, except that I got to see malvin for the first time since Last year, and the twister game was both painful and perverted =P.

National day holidays, I just mapled all the way. Not maple as in serious mapling. I'd chat with the guild at times and train at others. Did my first full orbis PQ. Tried it 6 times, died 5 times... Total joy. (Feel the sacarsm people!) It was fun anyways =P.

ANYWAYS, the point of this whole entry (which I am obviously not doing very well, totally sidetracked) is that I slacked. Alot. pearly managed to wake me up a fair deal. A lvls in 11 weeks, Prelims in barely 4 weeks. I really need to wake up and STUDY! And yet, there's hardly motivation the past few days. However, as usual, I seem to have the best of friends. James sent me a necklace he bought in Italy with a note mentioning something about studying =P. That woke me up somewhat. Recieved it last night, right before I was suppose to go out for dinner (I was forced to, Dad's korean friend came to Singapore, and we had to bring the whole family out for dinner). Wore it to dinner and afterwards, to the KTV (that was arranged last minute). Once again, drank alcohol (my my, I've been drinking more alcohol these 2 weeks than I did the entire year!). Though this time, not much. 3 glasses. by right, it shouldn't have gottn me tipsy, but they were drinking so fast! Luckily I stopped though, kept a clear head for the rest of the night, smsing people. Luckily for that... Mom got drunk, dad got drunk, bro was half asleep by the end of the night. Took the taxi home and reached home at about 3am. Sent my mom, dad and bro to bed =P. Then, what else? I mapled =P. Until 5.30am. Then chatted to James until about 6am, leaving only when I was nearly caught by grandparents =P.

Anyways, I seriously need to get motivated. I'll be quitting maple next sunday. My bro will be changing my password next week, so my entire maple account will be in his hands. Hopefully I won't maple until 22nd November (magical date people! LAST PAPER!). So, with no fanfiction, no maple, and a hell lot of good friends pushing me to study, lets hope I can get back on path. Its a good wake up call really, I've been spending the past few weeks drifting. Felt more like A levels was next year rather than in less than 3 months. And that the prelims was just a class test I could afford to fail rather than a guage of how ready I am for the A's. Oh well, now that I've gotten the urge to blog out of my systems, I'll be getting back to my homework =). This entry took me almost an hour to type out (-.-").

Chatting =)

2007-07-24T01:55:00.000+08:00

I really have to stop this habit of updating in the middle of the night 0.o. Really.

Anyways, was online researching for bio, when Ching came online on skype =D. Chatted to her for a bit about random things, especially about her jungle boy. I haven't heard her voice in AGES, more like last year's teacher's day and if feels nice to hear her voice again =). Nothing beats listening to a friend's voice =).

Anyways, Believe it or not, I'm actually starting to buck up on my studies (oh look, Hell froze over!). I still feel stupid sometimes, but at least I'm actually doing something about it. Been trying to stay awake in class lately. Just doing whatever it takes to keep my eyes open. I'll need to come up with a revision schedule sometime this week, but I hope its not too late to start going all out for A levels for my B average =).

Anyways, I've already put Harry Potter aside. After all, after reading the final last book, it kinda gives a nice closure. I won't be that tempted to read fanfictions now =). I've also put a stop to maplestory, with the sole exception of weekends, when I'd allow myself to go on as a reward for following my timetable (which I haven't had the time to make up yet) the entire week =). Like I said, I just hope it works. I've already put most of my distractions aside. Lets hope I can actually stay on course =).

Anyways, I slacked a little today. Came home, felt tired, and fell asleep immediately. I had this bunch of really really REALLY weird dreams. It kept me on the brink between sleeping and wakefulness most of the time. Once again, decided to skip my maths tutorial. I'll probably regret skipping so much maths homework later on, but really. The teacher don't give a damn, and I benefit more from studying and practicing either on my own or with friends. So yeah, I'm a hell of a lot of chapters behind. We're effectively on chapter 22. The last chapter I understood was chapter 18 (-.-"). I really need to put in real effort for maths sooner or later. Preferably sooner. Its a chapter I really have to PRACTICE!

Once again, I'll end off on the note that I *really* have to go to bed. I don't wanna fall asleep in school again and its already late enough, even if we count in the semi-nap I took. Till next time with tonnes of old updates that I *ought* to have posted (like that sushi outing with my friends), tata =).

I feel stupid....

2007-07-16T02:16:00.000+08:00

Yes yes, there's loads more to update. Lots of Back Tracking to do, including the movie Transformers (TOTALLY ROCKING!) and Harry Potter (Sadly Disappointing).

But, (yes, there's alot of buts lately), its late (the usual excuse) and I've school tomorrow (the sad truth).

I've just been feeling extremely dumb lately. I don;t know why, its hard to explain. I've been talking to a friend of mine. Lately, he's been a little.. well, disapproving of me I suppose. He disapproves of me sleeping in class and he seems really annoyed when I don't do my work. I think he's just worried for me. Its not easy to find a friend that he'll risk your wrath by directly telling you that he really thinks you aren't putting enough effort, you're wasting potential and that he gets annoyed with the airhead attitude.

I am thankful for a friend like him. Really. The only people who really pushes me to study is Joshua and James. Both of them believes that I could do better (and yes, I thought so too) and both of them aren't afraid to nudge me to study, unlike with my other friends who I have to start nagging at them to study with me (and my self discipline isn't good mind you).

Anyways, I've been feeling horrendously stupid the past few weeks. I don't know why. I don't know how it can be remedied. I can't sleep early. I always seem to be doing things, reading, chatting, last minute homework. I rarely sleep before 2.30am. Even when I sleep tonnes during the weekend, I still feel sleepy. Its like what Joshua said. I'm like in this eternal sleep that i *NEED* to wake up from. I can't stay awake, my thoughts are now murky. Its the only way to describe it. I seriously feel as though I'm losing my intelligence.

Before, I grasped concepts really easily. I could grasp the concept without much effort from myself. I could understand the chapter easily enough. I could see things in literature really easily. Literature was like a holiday to me. Nowadays, for me to think is really like trying to swim through mud. I struggle to grasp the simplest concepts. I fight to see meaning in the poem I've just read. Its like my eyes just slides over the words without registering their deeper meaning. Same for GP. I'd read a passage, and I'll understand that passage. Barely a minute later, I'd forget what that passage was all about. I'm confused most of the time and I'm feeling as though I'm losing my sanity.

I don't feel dumb often. Normally, my general feeling is that I'm just slacking, filled with tonnes of potential to do better and yet lazy to do so. Not so lazy that I fail, but just lazy enough to let some of my potential go to waste. Now, I feel stupid. Really, its hard to describe. My mind refuses to allow me to think properly, regardless of how much sleep I've had.

I shall kick my butt into studying. Not so much that I really closet myself off from the world. Just enough to last till prelims without burning out. I'll get a study schedule and stick to it. I need to shock my body and mind into waking up. I can't live in this haze anymore. I can't live when I can't think, I can't learn and I can't do things well. One shot at A levels, I will try to force myself to wake up from this mental hibernation. I don't like feeling stupid, and I do now intend to change this feeling. I just hope I can do it.

Many thanks to both Joshua and James for repeatedly emphasizing to me what I ought to do. This is but a small step to 'waking up', but you've put me in the right direction. With luck, I'll stay on this path. Thank you guys so much.

A new Beginning?

2007-07-03T02:33:00.000+08:00

There's alot of updates I need to do. There's the sleepover at my house involving Jon, Brian, Pearly and Darren, after that swimming outing. There's the outing with Taemi today, with Jon, Brian, Pearly, Darren, Tofu and Samantha. But, there's no them for those updates for today. Its 2.34am in the morn and I'll need to sleep to prepare to get back my exam results. Instead, I'll just highlight something that happened a few minutes ago.

After a very long talk with Darren, we have decided to take a step back into the realm of friendship and to leave the realm of relationships. Whether its permenant or temporary, we don't know. After a VERY long talk, we have come to realised that the days when we were friends was more fulfilling, more productive and more meaningful than the days we had when we were a couple. Added to that the problems of recent times (such as his inability to study with me for Mid Years, and his slight attention-seeking tendencies), we have decided to take a step back. Breaking Up sounds too much like those cliche romance movies/novels/whatnots. Its not a break up. We didn't have a fight. We didn't scream at each other. We didn't get hysterical. We just talked it out, and although it wasn't an easy decision, we decided it was for the best for now, at the crucial point of our lives.

Thus, we are no longer Pam and Darren, the couple. We're just friends, members of the XO team, and good friends. I somehow feel as though the weight of a burden of the whole relationship is lifted off my shoulders at the moment. I'm unsure if this feeling will last to tomorrow when I'm more awake and aware of the consequence and when I face him. But for now, I'll just go to bed and grab what little sleep I have left for school tomorrow. Its gonna be a long day.

1:30pm, 9th October 2006 --- 2:20am, 3rd July 2007. The period of experimental stumbling and general awkwardness of two fledglings foraging into the unknown skies of the world of relationships.

Relationships, of all sorts.

2007-06-24T23:44:00.000+08:00

I may not be a guru on relationships. However, there's a few simple facts that I truly believe in.

Relationships take time. You need to take time for each other, you need to take time to get used to each other, and you need to take time to work out disagreements. You need time to create memories that would last a lifetime.

Relationships are full of give and take. It may seem that you're giving way more than you're taking at the beginning (for either or both parties), but hang in there. The rewards you'll reap is more than its worth.

Relationships is about sharing. You're sharing your time with each other. You're sharing your affection with each other. You're sharing both good and bad times together. Sharing good times doubles it. Sharing bad times halves it.

Relationships is about communication. Talk to each other, reassure each other. We cannot read each other's minds. Talk and be heard and understood. Listen and be understanding and accepting.

Relationships is about trust. Trust each other with your hearts. Trust each other with your emotions and well being. Trust each other to be faithful and do not do them the discredit of doubting them.

Relationships is about acceptance. Accepting that there is never a "Perfect" person. Accepting the person for who they are, and most importantly, accepting yourself for who you are. You may compromise, but you should never ever hide your true self.

Relationships is about love. Be it Platonic Love or more, its about love nonetheless. The willingness to help, cherish and care for each other.

Relationships is about tolerance. Tolerate each other's bad points and their occasional laspe into the void of emotional weakness by supporting them as much as possible.

Relationships is about honesty. Be honest about the way you feel and the way the other person makes you feel, but don't be hurtful about it. Be honest to yourself. To quote an old cliche line, Honesty is the best Policy.

When I mention relationships, it is not only between a couple, it is for all types of relationships. Be it between friends, or family members, or married couples. These are the things I try to follow the best i can regarding every relationship I have. With my parents, siblings and my extended family. With my friends, both old and new. All relationships needs work, and that's what makes them all the more worthwhile. That you put in the effort and risks and it still came out wonderful. If at the end of our lives, we could count anymore than 3 great friends, we are blessed indeed.

Now, the reason for this post was brought upon by several factors. The most recent being the problem that arises between two very close and dear friends of mine. I just wish them all the best in sorting out their problem. It breaks my heart to see them so at odds with each other. The second, just as recent factor is the marriage of my uncle, Elgin, and his new wife, Leanne.

Elgin is technically my uncle. He is also merely 9 years older than I. My dad's first cousin. But my grandad is the 5th out of 7 children, so there's alot of first cousins in my father's generation and even more 2nd cousins in my generation, with many more to come. He was already married by law in Brisbane, Australia a month earlier. However, Elgin and Leanne came back to Singapore to celebrate it with us, the super extended family. The church wedding was beautiful. Simply beautiful and serene. They were both nervous, it was very obvious, but they both made it through fine. The Wedding Dinner was even more fun. There were alot of touching moments. I'm not particularly close with my relatives on my dad's side of the family, and I haven;t seen Elgin in YEARS, possibly more than a Decade, but for some reason, I remembered him quite well. Such events, with the presence of most of the extended family, makes me wonder why we don't have family reunions more often, until I remember exactly how many of us there are. The MC called for a Mr. Lam during the wedding Dinner. There was too many in the room to count. There's about 5 Mr. Lams Present from my granddad's generation. An Additional (thinks) 7-9 from my dad's generation. And about... (thinks) 11 from my current generation. Let's not even think about the Ms. Lams. There's way too many Lams in that ballroom. Not to mention exactly 2 Pamela Lams and 2 Nicholas Lams.

Its ironic, I know. My granddad's twin brother's grandchildren. We weren't exactly in contact when my bro and I were born due to some family issue I never really asked about. But suffice to say, both parents was extremely surprised when, during the first reunion together, lo and behold, two of the same name. Ironically, the other set of Pamela and Nicholas are also siblings. The other Nicholas is about the same age as I am, and the other Pamela is the same age as my brother. Doesn't this just makes your head spin? =P.

Anyways, had a lovely dinner with the super extended family. After the whole thing, my mom, bro, uncle, granddad and I went to the KTV lounge for a few drinks, and in the case of my mom, uncle and myself, a few drinking games. It was fine overall, dispite the fight that almost broke out on the next table and that some american guys tried to flirt with me while I was outside the restrooms waiting for my brother to come out. They really need better pick-up lines. I knew the counter to all the lines used on me. Sad isn;t it? For them that is.

Anyways, in terms of schoolwork... Biology exam was do-able, but I won't put my hopes up. Exams have this nasty habit of failing me when I'm expecting a pass and crushing my hopes in the process. I just do what I can do - Hope for the Best, Prepare for the Worse. There's a Mathematics Exam for me in merely 7 hours, and I still have a chapter to study, so I'll be going off to study now =P. I've procrastinated long enough.

Exams, Exams and even more Exams...

2007-06-21T21:30:00.000+08:00

I need more memory space in my brain. Really, I do, there's simply not enough time, nor brain power, for me to finish all my revision on time. My brain feels like giving up.

Tuesday, chem paper. Didn't finish on time. Some stupid chinese teacher was standing right in front of the gigantic digital clock in front of the hall. As a result, I can't see the bliming time. I have the worse luck in the world.

Wednesday, Maths paper. I expected the usual routine. Get the paper, stare at it, try to do as much as I can, and finished up those I can do only to realised that I had 1.5 hours left (out of the 3 houred paper) and that I was seriously screwed. This time was different. I did as many as I could, and for the first time in JC life, I didn't have enough time to finish my maths paper. There wasn't any idling sitting about stabbing my calculator in hopes that I'll get a nice answer. I'm not sure how maths went. Its the same old story. Hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Now, I'm doing biology (oh what joy... if you can't detect the sacarsm, we need to converse more). Its not that bad actually. Biology is easy enough to understand. The only problem is the sheer amount of memorising we have to do. My brain isn't meant to work like this, unlike my computer, I can't update RAM/ROM, I can't increase memory space. I'm screwed really. Oh what fun.

I'm screwed. Royally screwed. I got my ass handed back to me on a silver platter by my exam papers, and I've 6 more papers to go. Like I said, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.

Oh a completely unrelated note, my friends (who takes physics paper) were roaming around lot 1 today. They passed by popular and realised something really interesting. They were selling Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. HARRY POTTER BOOK 7! They're selling it one month before the release date. I don;t know if they're just blantantly disregarding the release date and started selling the books the moment they recieved them, or its an error made on the CCK branch of the popular store. Perhaps some poor confused fellow who's been living under a rock the past few decades assumed that since they've recieved the book, they're entitled to sell it. I hope that they're still selling it tomorrow, so I can grab a copy after my Biology test. BUT, I won't be reading it until after my exams. I'm not sure how effective it will be for motivating me to study, but I *need* to read the last book and find out once and for all what's the end of the story. I just hope that they're still selling it tomorrow. I want my Book!

I'll end this post on that note. I've about 9 more chapters of Biology to study, Including the dreaded Photosynthesis and Respiration chapters. The sole reason for the existance of such chapters is to murder us poor JC students by inducing heart attacks, or strokes, or hypertension. This education system serves to find its best students by killing off the weaker ones with stress.

GP Exam (Sucketh).

2007-06-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

This isn't a very good start to the exam. Definately not. Totally sucks.

Today, this very nice grand day, is the day of my GP (General Papers) exam. The First Paper is peachy. Composition. I wrote 3 full sides of A4 pages on my topic. "Are Harsh Punishments the best solution to rising crime?". I discussed what I felt was every possible angle I can think of. I went against the statement =P. I played a hell lot on emotions and all that crap, just hope it works.

The second paper. LOL. The second paper... Comprehension. We were given two passages about hormones in humans and the impact of women's rising role in society. 1 hour and 30 mins for the blasted paper. I finished the first few questions in the first 30 mins, which surprised me. I had to triple check the clock to make sure I didn't see things wrongly. So, it ought to have been easy. 1 hour for 1 summary question, 5 vocab words and 1 application question. So, I started doing my summary, and I found out that I had a hell of a time picking out points for the blasted summary. I had to do 3 drafts before I was satisfied. After I copied down my final draft, I glanced at the clock. OMG! 10 minutes left! for AQ AND the vocab questions. So I rushed. I spent 2 hasty minutes on the vocab, not particularly thinking much of what other words I can use. I then dived into the application question. I scribbled about a page worth of crap before the time ran out.

I totally screwed up. I'm guessing that I won't get a C for GP this time round. In fact, I won't be surprised if my paper 2 comes back with a failing mark. I am soooo dead.

After GP, we stayed in school to accompany Darren, who had his geography paper. Pearly, Brian, Jon and I then went to RP to study (with a quick stop over at Brian's house so he can get to change his clothes). Met tofu there for a while. He looks positively anorexic. He's sooo skinny, his cheekbones were practically jutting out and his arms are tiny. All skin and bones. That got me worried 0.o. He stayed about a little before running off to find his friends.

We studied a little chemistry at RP. Ate some stuff from the cafe (their cafe ROCKS). Came home, crash landed on my sofa and watched CSI:NY for an hour. Now, I'm blogging about mu abysmal GP paper and my day =P. I'll need to go off to shower and study more chemistry for tomorrow. Chemistry paper 3, I'm sooo worried. That's all for now, I really need to get going back to studying =S.

Exams Tomorrow! EEP!

2007-06-17T16:09:00.000+08:00

So, yeah. Its the dreaded day. The doomsday has finally come. MID YEAR EXAMS IS UPON US! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!! BEFORE IT GETS YOU TOO!

Okay, okay, I went a teeny weeny little bit overboard. But Mid Year Exams (Henceforth known as MYE) is upon us poor souls at PJC. The stupid thing is that I actually studied for this thing. I didn't even study for my O levels much, and here I am, in JC, and STUDYING! *gasp*

Yeah, its stupid. But even more troubling news. I find it fun! Yes yes, I ought to be booked into the nearest mental health hospital right this very moment. But I've been slightly insane for the past 18 years, so its no biggie that I've start realise that I'm a little whacked now. (but but but, the VOICES IN MY HEAD TELLS ME I'M SANE!!)

Okay, maybe I'm just a little (very little) bit stressed and just a very tiny (absolutely miniscule) bit freaked out by my impending doom (though I hope that I'm totally wrong on this).

*takes deep breath*. Okay. Exams start tomorrow. The first paper is one of the two papers I haven't studied for so far. GP. General Paper. Its the death of us all. It requires one to read the newspaper daily (I haven't even TOUCHED a newspaper in MONTHS), and to watch the news daily (I've only watched the news ONCE these past 4 weeks), and to write well informed, eloquent and intelligent articles on one of the twelve topics we're given. Its a risk. I'm hoping that there's a question in there somewhere that relates to marriage/family/abortion or any of the things where I can make assumptions and get away with it. I need topics that deals largey on emotions, so I can be the typical me and start talking about emotions rather than cold hard facts. So instead of saying "xx% of women feels upset and guilty over the abortion of their child", I could write "A large number of women may feel guilty over the abortion of their child in years to come". So, technically, I'm not lying. AND, its common knowledge that women do feel empty/depressed after going through an abortion. However, my grammar, vocab and my spelling sucks. Totally and absolutely sucks. Its horrendous, terrible, just plain bad. (yeah, I ran outta words to use =P)

By right, I've finished revising for chemistry and is now ready to kick balls. By left, I can't do my mock exam paper 0.o. Meaning, I'm gonna get my ass handed back to me on a silver platter on tuesday by the chemistry paper 3. I feel so loved by chemistry.

I suppose this is the best I'll ever be. I have no regrets of the past few weeks. Actually, I lied. I have a few, but this is no time to be thinking of (What if I studied more last last wednesday? or or or, if I didn't slack the whole day away last weekend?). I can 'what if' myself to death and it won't do a thing. Panicking damages your brain. I'm not gonna panic. I'm just going to do my best these 2 weeks and just hope for the best. Hope that I could pull my grades up to a C/D average. I'll work on my A's and B's for prelims. I just need to know that my basics is already there. That's it for now. Just hope for the best and pray that I'll do well. I did my part, the rest is in God's hands. I *might* be providing updates on my papers. Still unsure. Now, we'll just sit tight and see how the next two weeks will turn out to be. Good luck to all my friends (be it internet friends or RL friends), who are either taking their exams, or are going through tough times. God will never ever put you through something that He doesn't think you can pull through. Just do your best and nobody can think any worse of you. Good Luck to all! =).

And for those who are not religious, just do your best yeah? You can't do any better than your best, and if fate wants to be a bitch, then so be in. If life throws you lemons, make lemonade. If life throws you rocks, aim a bazooka right back at life and just shoot =P. Don't let past mistakes pull you down. (Wise/brave-but-stupid words from the person about to face the gallows =P)

Scared

2007-06-11T02:00:00.001+08:00

[warning: May be seen as emo, but I REALLY need to type this all somewhere before I break down and cry somewhere]

Okie, I seriously think I'm addicted to Blogging. Or maybe... Blogging gives me an outlet to express myself, and allows me to clear my head, much like me rambling on to some friend online. I am scared, truely scared. I don't think I've ever been this scared in my life, in fact, I'm so scared that I actually feel like crying. I have NEVER EVER felt so scared to the brink of crying, not in my memories.

When I bungee jumped, I just screamed and laugh. When I awaited my O level results, I was just concerned, nowhere near scared. When I sat my O levels, I was just, indifferent. I knew it in my heart that I was going somewhere, that my worse marks could quite comfortably guarentee me a space in a Poly. I wasn't even this scared when I moved back from Scotland to Singapore. To me then, it was an adventure, a new life, a new start and with everything I want/need right in front of me.

I think the real reason of me being so scared is because this is the first time I've ever had such an aspiration. This is the first time I had a feasible dream to work towards. Before now, I was a kind of nonchalant girl. I crossed each bridge as I came to it. I didn't worry myself on things that to me, at that time, was unimportant. As long as I had my internet connection, a computer, food to eat, drinks to drink and friends to chat with, I was content. Now, this is the first time I've ever felt such a burning desire to do something. Its also the first time my future is not guarenteed.

I didn't know how I knew it exactly, but prior to JC, I've been cruising along in life. To tell the truth, I really wasn't worried about my O levels. I wasn't even worried about much. I just knew, deep in my heart, that everything will be perfect. Sure, I've had problems with friends, like any teenager. I've had body image issues, I've had bouts where I don't know who I am anymore. I still have some of those bouts. But, I've never worried about where I want to go, or what I want to do. Sure, I've had a vague idea, I toyed with the idea of being a doctor for 3 years, before discarding it. ALL of my vague dreams of my future, of my profession, is a job where I can help people. I wanted a job where I can help, and interact with people and make a difference. I get that job, and I'll never have to work again, coz each and every single day would be what I lived to do. My vague ideas wasn't solid yet, it was just a hazy dream. I want this, I want that, I just didn;t put it all together until now.

I want to study psychology. The human mind interests me. Its not morbid, not at all. Its just something magical about the way we process ideas, facts and the world in general. Its interesting how one person looks at the glass half empty, and the other person looks at it half full. Its wonderful to learn how our memory works, and how we can improve upon it. Answers to questions such as "Why do people dream? Is it important?" and "Does how a child is brought up affects his life totally, or are there some things thats inborn and cannot be changed". Then there's the more social questions. "Why are some children more outgoing than others? Is it all in the genes, or is there something more". There's also the plain morbid questions. "Why do murderers kill, what is their state of mind right before they start killing?". Then again, there's the reverse psychology questions "If I can determine my personality by my handwriting, can I change my personality by forcing myself to alter my handwriting?". I want to learn, and find out answers to all these questions, as well as answers to questions I haven't even thought of yet.

Then, there's that snag. I want to go to Australia to study Psychology. They say Brisbane is the best place to go. I came to JC not knowing what to expect, but just full of determination to do what I needed to do. That flame of determination deminished over time, until there's only a spark left. Failed results after failed results, depression drops by every now and then, and doubt of self worth became a constant companion. The flame of hope, determination and perseverence died right after Mid Years of J1. It was brought back alive for a while, for the Promos. Friends became my life for a while, I was desperately clinging onto my friends, both IRL and internet ones. With the support of all my friends, I was able to pass my Promotional Examinations. I made it to J2, barely, but I made it nonetheless. Then comes my mistake. Instead of spending the holidays studying and catching up on my weak subjects, I went off to work part-time. I came to J2, ready to take on the world. I told myself, I'm turning over a new leaf. I told myself that this is it, barely a year left, I will put in my all.

Common Test came and went. I got crushed again. Badly. I nursed a hope to go to Australia, and my mom unintentionally crushed that hope without even realising it. I failed, Miserably. Even worse than what I got for my J1 Mid Years. I cried, and I apologised to my mom, I visited the principal's office, and I got threatened to get retained, the whole shebang. I pinned my hopes on Mid Years. I had to pass Mid Years. I just had to.

Mid Year Exams are in a week. Exactly one week and 5.25 hours from now. I have 40+ chapters of various H2 subjects to study. Mathematics, Chemistry and Biology. I'm not even bothering about my Literature and General paper right now. My mom and I had a talk, she agreed that I would be able to go to Australia to study psychology if I can get the grades.

My dream became feasible once again. I have NEVER ever felt so much for this dream. I know it, somehow, I won't be able to survive in the kill or be killed life that is the Singapore Educational System. Australia seems the ideal place, really. Its one of the leading countries in Psychology and they desperately need more psychologist. However, I need a BBB to even think about applying to the Universities in Brisbane. (Griffith or University of Queensland). Right now, according to my common test results. I'm a failure. I failed at my exams and I failed terribly. I have one more week, one week to prepare myself, and at least pass my mid years to stay on to take my A levels this year.

I'm scared, really I am. I suddenly feel this burning passion for this aspiration, this dream, and yet, I don't know if I can achieve it. That's what scare me. Its the only dream I have at the moment and I'm holding onto it as hard as I can. I'm not letting it go that easily and it scares the hell out of me to know that at any moment, it can be snatched away by my bad results. I don't think I can take the crushing blow of another bad exam result slip. I've brought home too many these two years, and I don;t think I can handle another one.

Sure, I've studied the past 2 weeks or so, but I doubt its been enough. I wasn't focused enough, I didn't practice enough questions, and I procrastinated here and there. I had a bout of lethargy that refuse to go away. I couldn't concentrate. I slipped when I had that bout of lethargy, and I'm still slipping. I know I have to pick myself back up, but sometimes, its hard. You just want to give up, and yet, you find some strength in you to jump right back up. Right now, my strength is that one dream. I don't know what I'll do if I was to lose that one dream. I'm terrified of what would happen. All I know is that I must not let that happen, and yet, Mid Years is this looming monster just waiting to snatch it away.

Right now, I'm just going to pray, and do my best. At least, that's what I'm telling myself. Deep inside, I'm still scared. More than that, deep inside, I'm terrified. That's the problem with being a rock sometimes. You be strong for others. You strengthen yourself emotionally. You become a rock, a stone, all stiff. Not in the least bit flexible. Until one day, when there's overwhelming pressure, from both inside and outside, you don't bend, you can't bend anymore, you've become that rock, with nobody to lean on and the unwillingness to be flexible. When that day comes, when the pressure mounts, you just crack a little here, and chip a little there. You find that you're slowly crumbling, each failure is a pickaxe slowing chipping away your strength, your dreams and your will. I'm crumbling, and I do not think I can handle another failure. I feel that if I were to recieve another blow from that pickaxe of failure, I would be reduced to pieces. Never before have I been this scared for my ambition, nor for myself.

Lethargy =S.

2007-06-09T00:11:00.000+08:00

*holds back a scream of fustration*

I've been feeling lethargic as hell today. Argh! Woke up at about 1pm, which by itself is unusual enough. I've been waking up at 10-ish the past week or so, no matter what time I slept. This is the first time I woke up past noon for whatever reasons. Woke up coz my gran was practically screaming at me to wake up and eat my lunch before it gets stone cold.

After lunch, I came online, and didn't have the mood to do much. I played the CSI game and finished the last case (there's only 5). However, instead of the quiet, eager anticipation I usually experience when playing the game at my (sometimes) feeble attempt to guess for myself who the evil murderer is, this time, the last case, I just experienced fustration. Like I wanted to finish the game ASAP and I couldn't be bothered to analyse it. Instead of shifting my attention to another angle of the case when I hit a dead end, this time, I felt royally peeved off.

After I (un)happily finished the game, I wasn't even in the mood to surf the web/chat/do anything online (which is so.. not normal..), I just crawled into my room and read my book. Darren texted me for a bit using pearly's phone coz his ran out of battery (again.. he never charges his phone...). But really, I just felt UGH thoughout the day. I fell asleep while reading the book at around 4pm, and woke up at 8pm for dinner. Still felt like shit and didn't even want to THINK about doing my revision today (even though I *am* a few chapters behind). I am soooo gonna regret this tomorrow when I get my ass outta bed.

Watched something on Animal Planet about Endangered bears, watched the news. There was some home news about a group of guys being arrested for wanting to join the terrorist group and plotting to crash a plane into Changi Airport. That got me thinking a little. This little news can be used in my GP essay, either on the topic of terrorism (for obvious reasons), or Internet. The News dubbed it as "Self-Radicalisation". Basically, these men read some articles online, found some truth in it and decided to try to join the JI. Really Clever, but then again, they did mention that it gets personal when they mask terrorism with religion. Still, this brings about a bad name to some Muslims.

I have some really good friends who are muslims and I doubt they'll start planning a massacre when they read articles online about these things. We may try to hide it, but its true that we're not as colour-blind as the government wants us to be. Chinese people are the major race here and some chinese still look down on Muslims/Malays. This is definately unfair, but its how life is I suppose. I always have to hold my tongue whenever I hear those old ladies at the marketplace make a slight at the malay race. Its just annoying to hear such racist comments, especially after I have experienced the darker side of racism myself in the UK. But I am ashamed to admit that I do get freaked out when I see dark-skinned male youths hanging around my block at night, drinking beer and smoking when I get home late from an outing or something. But then again, I get freaked out if chinese guys are hanging around doing the same thing too, just I get more worried if they're dark skinned.

Maybe these uneasy feeling came from a slightly trumatic experience some time ago. There was a fight at the void deck below my house. I reached home at 3-ish pm, everything was peachy normal. I came back down at 6pm with the intent to buy something or other from the shop nearby, and when the door of the lift opened, I saw red - literally. There was a few blood pools and a hell lot of blood splatters on the floor. My first thought was that somebody got murdered. But then I saw TWO large distinct blood pools and 2 trails leading away from the 2 biggest blood pool, I assumed that a fight had taken place. Either way, I wasn't going to stay there and stare, I just jammed the button to my floor without even stepping out of the lift. The police came round later that evening with their dogs to sniff out the trail. Later on, we learnt that 2 bangladash national males (who were working at a construction site nearby) were in a fight over a woman or something. Either way, seeing so much blood on the floor (where it really should have been in somebody's body) was not a very nice experience. Blood doesn;t freak me out, it was the thought of the wounds that must have been inflicted to cause such blood loss that freaked me out. I don't get scared of blood, I get scared of really ugly, painful looking wounds. This is exactly why I can't be a doctor. I'm fine with blood, I just can't bear to imagine the pain the other person is going through with nasty looking wounds.

ANYWAYS, lets get back on track. Other than the *they're giving other muslims/malay a bad name* reaction I got from the news, I thought of the book by George Orwell, titled 1984, about a society where everybody's move was watched by "Big Brother", and how the government there cover up the arrests of opposition or the people they didn't like by telling tales of their treason against the country and how they're terrorists/going against the country. I doubt Singapore would do this, but it was just a thought. All our information we get is mainly from the media, and the media is controlled by the government. How do we know what's the truth and what's glorified and what's being glossed over? We assume its the truth because the media is a supposedly reliable source and we're taught to believe it. However, they could easily lie to us. Needless to say, I went into an internal dialogue on what is the truth.

After the news (and several internal debate), I watched a few other documentaries on the Discovery Channel about crime (Its Friday Night - Crime Night). Learnt that crime solving isn't as wonderful and easy as it looks, especially before DNA tracing came about.

All in all, a really UGH day. Didn't feel like getting up, slept way too much and still feel sleepy. Missed a whole day's of revision (Today was supposed to b 3 biology chapters. Genetics of Viruses, Genetics of Bacteria, and the Control and Organisation of Prokaryotic and Eukaryotic Genome). I really think I will regret it tomorrow, but I can't really be beeswaxed right now. Either I;m just experiencing a bad, really lethargic day, or I am about to fall sick and my body is trying to take preventive measures by making me rest and produce more white blood cells.

*sigh*. You know things are really bad when I blogged more this week than I did the past month.

Random Update...

2007-06-07T22:45:00.000+08:00

Rawr! Lol... just felt like updating for the hell of it =D.

Hmmm, I'm *slightly* behind on my study schedule by 3 maths topics and 2 chemistry topics. No matter, can easily catch up, since I had to rearrange my study schedule to fit in today's Pride-and-Prejudice-Movie-Marathon-Thingy.

What's been happening... hmmm. Nothing much really. Just studying at the Jurong West Library (where they attempt to make us 'comfortable' by adjusting the air-conditioning until it was an artic temperature. It would be good if we were penguins or something). Darren comes along to study with me every now and then, but he doesn't really study much around me for some wierd reason or other. Either he usually doesn't study or I distract him. Maybe its better for us to study on our own in that case?

Oh, yeah, had a P&P Movie marathon. We changed plans and went to Jo's place instead, so we went there, and watched the first 4 discs before SK had to rush off for a class outing and Jo had to go off with her family. So Joshua and I relocated to his place at Bukit Panjang coz I wanted to finish the movie by today. Watched the last two discs at Joshua's house. The whole thing was fun, with snacks and laughter and drinks and total fun at jo's place. She lives in a condo and we used the karaoke room. Really comfy with cushions and sofas and lots of seats etc... =D.

After watching the entire 6-houred epic at 2 different locations, I went to Lot 1 to meet Pear for dinner =D. She already ate, so she watched me eat (-.-"). Since I wasn't too hungry, I just ate some half boiled eggs and toast. I seriously have my eating habits upside-down. Breakfast food for dinner (-.-"). Had a cute and fun chat with pear while eating. Laughed a little, laughed a lot, but it was fun overall =P. But, when I first saw Brian and Pearly at lot 1, they both were sick... Typical. I leave them alone for one week and they come back to me sick. I berated them mildly for it like I usually berate my bro. LOL, then I stopped, coz a light bulb flashed in my head and I realised how much I sounded like a mother =P.

Oh, Joshua and SK were talking about this korean movie. The 200 pounds Beauty. Apparently its really touching, and it has to be. Coz Josh teared at it (or so he tells me) and SK cried. But then again, SK cries when she watched Cars (the animated movie). But Josh teared, and he doesn't really normally show much emotion at movies, so it must have been really touching. I plan to watch it soon, with a huuuge pack of tissues ready incase I start crying =P.

Anyways, my cute little cousin (well... not so little... She's 10...) introduced me to this really cool website =D. Veoh.com =D. Its this place where you can watch Anime =D. So yeah, she got me totally hooked onto this series, Gakuem Alice (aka. Alice Academy). Its a really cute anime, not as deep/bloody/fighty/whatever as most of the anime my friends like, but touching and warm =D. 26 episodes in all. I watched the last of it last night, at 5:30am (-.-"). Had a HELL of a time waking up this morning. But it was worth it, was a GREAT movie =D.

Anyways, that's the first time James had to go off from work before I went off to bed =P. James have been saying that he wanted to appear on my blog entry for some time, so here it is! =D. His debut entry into my very own blog! Happy now? =P. He asked me what he could do to get onto my blog, and here's the answer. Nothing else =). By being the supportive friend (and for that particular period of time, something tentatively more) that he is, he's welcomed to appear on my blog anytime =D. Its even more touching coz he's such a great friend even though I mercilessly e-dumped him online, and yet he continued to show me such great concern and support. I might not say as much to him on MSN, but I truly am sorry about that whole fiasco. I could have handled it more maturely and all, maybe explain more? All I could say was that I was confused and scared of what would happen. After that, we weren't really quite the same. There's some unexplained distance between us that arised from my new status as being attached that I wished wasn't there. Still, He's a true friend and I bless the day that he attacked me online on utopia with his new freak personality just to try it out, then apologised and left his e-mail on my in-game message board =P. Talk about a memorable first meeting eh?

That said and done, I will NOT do more work tonight, coz my brain is partially melted from analysing 6 hours or so of the movie/series/monstrosity. I will slack, chat and play games until tomorrow where I will STUDY and catch the hell up! =D. I will not allow myself to burn out, I can't afford that right now. So yeah, I'll just do my best and see what happens. However, not going to the Movie with the bowlers tomorrow. Just don't feel like going I suppose. I feel like Studying rather than watching a movie with them. I'll just rent the DVD when it comes out =P. Just 3 more weeks and I'll get to relax a fair bit after Mid Years before I kick my butt into gear for Prelims =) (If I Pass My Mid Years, which I bloody well hope I will!)

That's all for the totally random update =P.

Update~! (a long loooong update)

2007-06-03T17:44:00.000+08:00

Darn it, Haven't updated since the first bowling competition... procrastination as per usual...

Well, the doubles didn't go as well as I wanted it to. Was paired with Peiyi... lets just say that peiyi and I have our differences. We get along nicely enough at superficial level. but deep inside, probably not. We just don't have much to say to each other, and for some weird reason, our guard comes up the moment we start chatting to each other. Maybe we just don't click. Anyways, Doubles was a pretty disheartening affair. Peiyi kept going to Kelly's and Diana's lanes to go talk to them. I didn't do well the first 2 games and felt that Peiyi was Disappointed in me or something. Maybe her cool attitude coupled with my disappointment led to such conclusion. Nevertheless, the first two games wasn't good. I actually wanted to cry after my 2nd game, the feeling of disappointment and fear that I'll not do well was so powerful that I believed I teared a little.

However, PEARLY came to the rescue =). She was there, she hugged me and told me to take each new game with a new mindset, its a new game and a new start. I took those words to heart for the remaining of the competition. As luck would have it, for the 3rd game, I bowled a personal best of 196. It was SO CLOSE to a 200. I opened one measly frame coz I was unable to spare pin 10. My last frame, I spared it, and needed a 7 to get 200... but I was too nervous, shaking all the way at the approach. I jerked, as opposed to my usual fluent swing, and the ball went off course. I ought to be thankful that it remained on the lanes. Oh well, 196 was good =). Now I have a new target to work towards, 200. If mom can hit 205 with house ball and house shoes, I ought to be able to hit a simple 200 with my own ball and my own shoes right? (I hope). Anyways, that one lovely high game (in my personal standards) bought my mood up. as well as Kari screaming at the back =). My next few games wasn't that good, but it wasn';t that bad either. I ended the doubles with an average of 133 thereabouts. My 196 game really helped pull the others up.

After Doubles, we went to northpoint for some foooooood. Benjamin, Guo Min, Darren, Hikari, Brian, Pearly and myself. Jon had to rush off somewhere or other. We went to Delifrance for Dinner, but Brian and Pearly went off elsewhere after depositing their bowling bags with us. So, it was just the 5 of us there. The food was in HUGE portions, and yeah, totally yummy. Expensive, but once in a blue moon's fine enough =).

Now, I shall fast forward to the TEAMS event! Personally, I really prefer the singles and doubles type of games. 6 (relatively) fast games in a row. I'm a fast player =). The first day, I didn't do so bad, didn't do so good either. Ended up with a 120+ average... didn't exactly hit my 135 average target. But, having the teams event was a nice changed from the doubles. The atmosphere was much much more friendly and I was able to relax more... until the CJC girls came... The CJC girls were situated to our right, the ACS(I) supporters to the left... it was surround sound cheering. What peeved me was the CJC girls really. They were screaming for their team, fine, but the things they say was just plain ugh and distracted me to no end. When anybody (other then their precious CJC boys) was bowling, they stand there, and started screaming for that person to hit the gutter... and when they don't strike, they congratulate each other coz its one less strike for the 'opposing teams'. Personally, I feel that this kind of behaviour totally ruins their image, shows them to be petty people, and really shouldn't happen. ESPECIALLY since CJC boys was bowling next to GIRLS, and the boys and girls are ranked differently, so how us girls do won't affect them.

However, there was some cute things happening, like Yumin and Sam covering the screen with a cloth so we won't look at the scores, supposedly staring at the scores affects our performance. I wasn't sure how true that was, coz we were 'against' MI, and there wasn't any pressure from them (not to be evil, but truthfully, we kinda pwned them...) and to our right was ACS(I), and they were much much too far ahead for me to tag. I didn't want to 'compete' with my teammates coz its just not that right, so I tried out a new method of going against myself really. I'd still prefer to play alongside guys though, I like tagging them =P. Dispite the cloth, I found myself still looking at the scores, its just habit. If my scores is bad, I have motivation to do better, if its good, I'd aim for a good score. The only dangers was if I got totally depressed, which I do sometimes.

Anyways, after the first day of teams and my not so impressive average, I helped pearly sort out her problem with brian. It was plain to anybody with eyes. Both of them are miserable after the incident and it was just breaking my heart. So I persuaded Pearly to tell me what's wrong. She cried on my shoulders for a time, but when I got the whole story, it was this *OMG* feeling. I had the exact same problem with Darren near the beginning of our relationship and I knew EXACTLY how Pearly felt. I talked to her about it and hopefully, she felt better after that. Seeing brian and pearly, sometimes I just get feeling of deja vu. Their 'story', as in the way they got together and some of the problems they encountered are really similiar to what Darren and I encounter.

The last day of the bowling competition came by. It was the morning, so no fear for silly CJC girls to throw me off my concentration. It didn't go that well either, but the mood was the lightest, us knowing that its the LAST day. Kari baked bundung Cupcakes =). My team ate a few and went on a hiiiigh =P. we were screaming bundung cupcakes here and there =P. Fun though, kept us from being too drawn into the seriousness of the competition. We were also making fun of the CJC and the ACS(I) boys. They were having a mini competition to see who could scream the loudest. So both teams was trying to get spares or strikes so they can attempt to out-scream the other. It was amusing to see them at it =P. After the competition, Darren got a little peeved about his scores, so I ran after him to console him. Then we had a team meeting, where we really felt the impact that this was the LAST, that's it, No more competition. The event that we spent 1 year training for was over. No more 2nd chance, no repeats. After they broke up, I cried in darren's shoulders as the impact really hit me. There was so many regrets. If I trained harder, I could have spared pin 10, which I kept missing. If I trained harder, I won't keep missing my head pin. Missing the head pin was the main problem this competition. I would have striked so many times if I only didn't miss the head pin. I left pins 1 and 2 standing there countless times.

However, I learnt so many things from this competition that I wished I'd've learnt earlier. These 'lessons' would definately have helped me in this competition if I had learnt them earlier, but nevertheless, I have learnt them. For example, I learnt truely how important spares are. I always thought that strikes was way more important so I could screw the spares and focus on striking. But spares are truely important, they make such a difference. I learnt how important the stupid head pin is. I learnt how to bowl under pressure. This bowling competition was truely a learning experience and I came out all the more better for it.

Now... after the competition (which ended on thursday), I had to work at the naval base! and WOW~ are the guys there HOT! 0.o. Oogle Galore! It was frickingly early though. Had to be at Expo MRT Station at 7am, meaning I had to be at Boon Lay MRT Station by 6am, meaning I had to leave my house by 5.30am, meaning I had to get my lazy butt off my bed at 4.45am. I was toying with the idea of just not sleeping before I realised that I didn't want to die =P. First day, dad fetched brian, pearly and myself there, after mom found out how early I had to leave. At that time, we still didn't know what was going on, only that we had a gamesmaster duty. We assumed it was at Expo convention hall since we were to meet at Expo MRT station. Pearly and I even brought our jackets in case it got cold -.-. Nicholas (Marcus' Brother), met up with us at 7am... gave us our tags and told us that we're helping out the navy for their open house. We were all bundled off in their cars towards the Changi Naval Base. Went there, I got assigned a station. Basically take Rush hour, replace the cars with ships, and expand the board 20 times and thats it =). It was fun. teaching the divers, the navy people and their families, and the kids how to play. We had to time them =P.

After that first day, our legs was one solid ache. Went for dinner at lot 1, and went home to shower and faint on my bed. Second day (saturday) was MUCH MUCH more busier coz it was opened to public, as opposed to Friday when only the navy personnel family members came over. Darren even came that day, coz Alina didn't want to come anymore. Kelvin came this time... he overslept on friday coz he assumed that we were meeting at 7PM (-.-"). Edwin was there again, and so was the rest of the people, Rebecca et al. Pearly originally wanted to play their water games, but I didn't bring my towel and extra clothes. So, in the end, nah, no water games.

The last day, I woke up with a headache, but after sms-ing brian a fair bit, decided to get my ass there. So, I ate some medication to sooth the headache, went to my dad's room to find him awake and begged him to drive me there, then slowly got ready to go. We picked up brian and pearly again coz they were as tired as I was. Last day was the easier than Saturday. Once again, i didn't bring my towel and extra clothing, i decided that I didn't want to plunge into the SUPER SALTY Sea for fun =P. The morning was so slacked that Pearly and I asked for permission to walk around, catch the first show and enjoy a little before the crowds came in, we were granted permission and off we went. We saw the naval divers practice their drills/performance item... OMG! they were SHIRTLESS! WEARING SMALL TINY SHORTS! Our eyeballs nearly popped out =P. So, being female, we sat down on the stands to appreciate the view before us. Sweat soaked hot male bodies in small shorts. mmmmm =P. But yeah, afterwards, faithfully went back to the stalls to help out. Rebecca and her friend disappeared during the busiest period to 'buy drinks' which took them 1.5 hours apparently... the drinks store must have been at sea, so they must have had to swim all the way there or something. I was sooo peeved, coz I was handling 2 stations at once because they. didn;t. come. back... until the crowd had thin. so yeah, was totally VEXED at their actions.

Anyways, the working experience earned me some cash, a few puzzles, lots of experience and lots of memories =D...

After the open house on the last day, Darren and I hitched a ride on Nicholas' car to Darren's place, where I did my chemistry homework in preparation for monday's lessons (yeah, tight schedule wasn't it?). Reached home at 11+, showered and fell asleep.

On Monday, went to school at 9am... found out that my biology lecture was cancelled and postponed to wednesday and that nobody told me (-.-"). Sat around at the concourse until 12.30. Darren came earlier, chatted with me, then went to class, then Yumin came and we talked about the bowling competition and how sad we're feeling for a while. Marcus also came to chit chat. The chemistry lesson was not too bad. She enforced some concepts, gave us some practice questions, some answers and told us to go for the mock practice as it will be VERY important. After that, went home to change, came out again and went to Marina Bay for Weilin's birthday Celebration. Steamboat. Wasn't bad but it wasn't the best either. BUT, I did have fun with the class, so it wasn't bad. After the dinner, went to the arcade, The guys played DotA. I went to play some games with Joshua, and this guitar hero game. FUN! But I sucked.

Tuesday, I slacked. I admit, I slacked coz I wanted free time, so I read some fanfics, just laze about. Wednesday, I went back to school for Biology, afterwhich, was at a dilemma on whether to watch a movie. In the end, joshua went to watch Shrek 3 on his own coz I wanted to watch it with my bro and my cousin. Went home, maor slacking again =P. Just chatted to people online, read some books, read some fanfics, the usual.

Thursday, MAJOR BAKING DAY! =D. I went out to the supermarket with my bro and my cousin, bought a truckload of baking ingredients and materials, and baked =D. Made about 50 muffins, and about 150 of those little chocolate pops thing.

On Friday, I went to CCK to supposedly go to Brian's house to study. We realised that we haven't yet bought Kari;s present, so we went to the pet store, and got HAMSTERS! Yeah, got 2 cute little hammies. Bought the cage, nesting and food as well coz we weren't that sure if Kari has it. I knew Kari wanted to b surprised, but theres some things that you really need to tell her that she's gonna get, just to prepare her for it. Brought the hamsters to Brian's house where we played with them for a bit. we got 2 males. We learnt how to differentiate the hamsters. One of them has very slightly darker fur on his lower back. I first suggested Tom and Jerry =P. But we finally agreed that their temporary names will be X and O... after the XO team =P. Also, the hamsters can actually form X and O =P. O likes to curl up into a ball and X climbs the cage alot, so they actually form the letters to a certain extent. Ate dinner at Brian's house, and bought the hammies home. Chatted to Kari before going off to bed.

On Saturday! Kari's PARTY! =D. Woke up, played with the hamsters for a bit, came online, where I helped kari to name her new hamsters. I originally suggested Xavier and Oliver, coz oliver sounds like the name of a mellow, tame fellow, and Xavier is a cool, hyperactive name, kinda like the hamsters. Also, there's XO as their initials =D. Finally decided on Xavier and Oberon. Cute names =D. Darren came over with his ice box to help me carry the food by stuffing everything into the ice-box. we took a cab down to fort canning. Saw kari, passed her the hamsters. Waited for the others by eating the tuna and salmon crackers (We were HUNGRY!). The party wasn't one of those traditional parties with whatevers. We had fun talking, chatting, doing stupid things like fitting 7 people on the swing... (Sam, Jon and Brian climbed on top, Pearly, Marcus, Darren and I sat at the seats for the swings), or kicking the heavy door open (like really kicking...flying kicks... I would have joined them if I hadn't worn heels there), taking tonnes of pictures and so on. Dusk came, and we TOOK OUT THE LIGHT STICKS =D. Fun fun! All glow-in-the-dark fun =). Kari's friends are (there's no other word for it) COOL! Megah came with an AFRO! Wowism! Her friends are really nice and cool, seriously. GM & Kaichi had to leave earlier, and Brian and Pearly left quite a while after them. After the fun fun hugging/massdance/fundance/wateverdance, we settled down to play a game of truth or dare.

Some of the dares are funny, like to make the best orgasmic moans, or to dirty dance etc... I picked dare and ended up having to french Darren for 30 seconds, but we were laughing half the time coz Megah was screaming instructions at Darren to move his hands elsewhere, but Darren was a good boy. His hands stayed at my waist =P. Other Dares include Sam to kiss me on the lips, or me to kiss Megah on the cheeks, or some other kissing stuff, coz we progressed to kissing near the end. Like somebody spins the bottle, and whoever the bottle lands on, the person has to kiss, and the kissed person now spins the bottle to see who s/he will kiss =P. Was soooo funny =D.

Anyways, Took the red line home (which is uber long) in order to keep Darren and Samantha company... reached home at 20 past midnight. I hate going home after 11pm... its just so dark and scary. It doesn't help that gangs sometimes hang arnd my area after dark. Thankfully, nth happened, So I happily went home, came online for a bit before sleeping.

Wow!~ There really was a HELL LOT to update between my last post to now. yeah, have been busy =P. Now, I have a super revision schedule that I really have to follow if I want to finish revising by mid-years. It has taken me 1 hour 10 mins to type this monstrous post =P. Will update more, probably after Mid Years, coz I don't see any interesting events happening in the next few weeks of revising. Fun time over, study!

I shall study my heart out this 2 weeks and see what I can truely do~!

BOWLING COMPETITION!

2007-05-15T20:31:00.000+08:00

First EVER bowling competition today! (TPJC invitational bowl doesn't count!). like w00000000000tz! Had problems sleeping last night, coz like, THE NATIONALS ARE TODAY! Spent like, an hour preparing my stuff, then double checking, then triple checking to make sure that everything is just PERFECT for the morning. Woke up at 5:50am, saw Hikari's msg, arranged to meet her at 6,40am to share a cab to school, and, actually woke up to wash up WITHOUT hitting the snooze button. That's where it all went downhill. Went to the toilet, and felt like throwing my guts up. But, since its the morning, there;s nothing to throw up, but I just felt sooo terrible. After the mandatory washing up, jammed some contacts into my eyes, coz I needed to see the pins and the dots today... not just roughly estimate where they are like I always do. Yadda yadda, got ready, and at 6.15am, was kinda raring to go. But, my body hated me, so I had to rush to the toilet to empty my bowels... thrice -.-". Left the house, grabbed a cab, went to Kari's hse to pick her up, and on the way to school.

Btw, the bowling skirt is kinda short if I wear it at the waist... and it just feels weird to wear it at the hips. Oh well, but its GREAT for bowling though! Absolutely no fear of not being about to slide to my fullest extent. fun fun! Reached school, grabbed some food, then got onto the bus on the way to my FIRST BOWLING COMPETITION LIKE EVER~!. Thankfully, I brought some panadols along, so popped in two on the way there. Wanted to take a nap on the bus, but was too hyped up to do so. I was torn between bouncing off the walls, or sitting in one corner and worry the shit outta myself.

Reached SAFRA Yishun. Yay! Had to rush to the toilet another time though, but better get it all done BEFORE the competition than have these kinda problems interrupt my concentration and focus during the competition. Later on, chatted with coach Jason for a bit, and he joked with me some to get me to loosen up =). Kari nicely watched the bags for us, had a kinda short prep-up meeting, did warm ups, went to lane one, cheered and off we went. btw, Jon was bowling on lane one with his bro... talk about sibling rivalry =P.

I was bowling the singles with Samantha... so I felt a little assured =p. If I screwed up, she'll help me cover up at least. First up, on lane 19, with TJC boys. First 4 frames of mine were all open... I was just that nervous. Bowling is not a safe sport... no way, it can induce heart attacks if you're not careful. Thankfully, the TJC guys was all quite friendly, so I was put at ease, after the first game, it started to feel like a normal bowling game, and not quite the life-or-death bowling competition. I think Sam was more worried and stressed over MY scores than I was =P. She was like *pam, please spare, please spare, don't miss, spare it pam!~* And I'm like *I'll try my best, but its in God's hands, anyways, Have fun!* =P. Maybe I was taking things too lightly? I dunno. I hit 140+ average those 2 games though... was tagging one of the guys.

Next lane shift, went up against CJC guys. OMG! Clean game! I knew it from the start that there's NO WAY I can beat the crap outta them. PLUS, the lanes was super annoying. Left lane was dry-ish... so my ball hooks like mad, either cross-pocket or pin 7. Right lane was wtf... refused to hook. I had to in-swing just to get it anywhere NEAR the 1-3 pocket. So, due to the wtf lanes, I scored like... 120+ average for those 2 games? Wasn't that bad really... my normal trend (kinda) anyways. I expected to hit a low 100/110+ from the 2nd game onwards like I usually do, but was pleasently surprised that I actually did quite a good run. Those 3rd and 4th games was my lowest actually. Last lane shift to bowl next to the TJC girls.

Personally, I prefer to bowl against guys... its more relaxing for me. I try to tag them, I bowl, yay. Don;t know why, I get all agitated with I bowl 'against' girls. Anyways, Told myself that I *have* to beat them. My thoughts was like *fine, last 2 games, use up all your energy pammy! WHACK THOSE PINS!* and I tried to go all out... was thinking that if I miss my 1-3 pocket, can always pray for a cross pocket =P. The lanes wasn't THAT bad, but my release became inconsistent. If my ball doesn't normally go that fast, I would have gotten less... definately. Anyways, ended up with 130+ for the 2 last games.

Overall, my Average was 136 for all 6 games. Total Pinfall for 6 games was 817. It was better than I could have hoped for really... I didn't expect to get so high a game. I didn't exactly hit my frames target (no more than 3 open frames per game... most of my games had 4 open -.-), but I definately hit my scores target (more than 130 average). So, overall, kinda happy with myself. Though I made a few stupid mistakes, scores could have been higher... but oh well. Its the last frame of the last game that I'm slightly riled up about. Its that feeling... you're standing on the approach, all ready, and you get the feeling that yes, this will be a good frame.. you're on your way down, then *wham!*, you're distracted. They switched off the lights of the lanes next to you, and for some unknown reason, you feel distracted, you look up at the lanes to your right, you realised your mistake, you try to find your spot again, but... SHIT! its too late... the ball is about to be released and its too late to stop... it hits your leg and goes totally off course... DAMN!. Yeah, that's what happened. I got distracted, and by the time the thought of stopping and re-starting reached my mind, it was too late. Instead of the 3rd dot where my ball was supposed to go, it went through the middle arrow and veered left by alot. And I missed the spare. Oh well... that was the only one frame I was totally riled up over, But, overall, NO REGRETS! I did my best, it was better than my usual, and w00tz!.

We got back to school, left our bowling bags there, went to eat lunch together. Then, my panadol wore off, and I felt like shit again. The high buzz from the game kinda disappeared during lunch. So I decided to take the rest of the day off, screw lessons, and go home... and so did the rest of 'my family', except Pearly, coz she rocks that way. Jon ended up with a hurt 4th finger (again), Brian and Darren had stomach problems and as for me, my brain went on a roller coaster ride without my body and refuse to get back down. We went to the polyclinic, but the waiting time was 1 hour and 16 mins. I gave up, went home with Kari, went to my own doctor and took two days worth of MC. Apparently, its definately the flu. There's no fever, but the rest of the symptoms are there. I was told to lay off sports (aka. Bowling) for awhile and just to recover. Buuut, I think I'll just screw it and attend tomorrow's training. I have to go to school anyways, there's the chem SPA I have to go through.

Anyways, the singles event is over, and I'm more or less satisfied. Had my first taste of what bowling's REALLY like, and I'm sooo happy over my scores. Like I said, it could have been better, but really, no regrets. I hope this continues for the next 3 sessions. I'm paired up with peiyi for the doubles, so lets hope we'll both rock the house down =).

I'm off to take my medication and to study for both Bio and Chem... till next time =)

~pam~

staaagnation...

2007-04-23T23:18:00.000+08:00

Why am I even updating this blog? its not like people actually come and READ it. Oh well, will update for the sake of updating.

Actually... who am I kidding? this is procrastination at its best. I've a truckload of homework practically SCREAMING at me. *PAM! Do your homework! Pammy! do your WOOOOOOOOOORK!* and I'm practically turning a deaf ear to it.

Well. things between Darren and I have more or less calmed down =). We had a semi-fight a few days after the post, and I made it untimately clear to him, back off or we're through. I think that shocked him to see how much it was affecting me. Oh well, at least I'm not so stressed out by that anymore.

Gran's doing ok-ish. She's getting chemo, and she's feeling sucky some days, but she's taking it well for somebody her age. She's a strong lady, hope she'll be able to hold on. but still, doctors predict that she'll have less than 40% chance of living for more than the next decade. The problem is that I've gotten so used to having senior family members about such that it seems... impossible that there will be a world without them. And yet, what is born will die, death is the one and only requirement of a life. Oh well, just have to make the best of what we have =).

Guess what. I failed my common test. S, U, U, E, C. S for Bio, U for maths and Chem, and E for literature, and C for GP. Oh well. I didn't really study, so I kinda had it coming. Actually, to be more accurate, I studied the night before. As if it helped. I had to go to the principal's office. yippi, always wanted to go there. She offered me a 'third year option', which is basically the nice way of saying *we want you to stay back a year so that your horrendous grades will not pull our average down*. I just told her frankly that I lost motivation, that I didn't study, and that this test was definately not a true reflection of my potential and told her that I'll think about the 3rd year option, but will give a more definate answer in July, after my mid years. I'll really have to study for that. The moment I fail my mid-years, the teachers will be all over me like bees to honey to stay back a year. Oh well, only time will tell, but I will definately try my best.

What else... oh. 2 of my friends got together. It was so so so ssooooooo sweet! *melts*. Wishing them a long and happy relationship =). They;re good for each other.

Oh, we had a bowling tournament the other weekend. Wasn't too bad. My first time bowling at a tournament condition and setting. Got sooooo nervous. Was like *OMG OMG OMG! VJC beside me! MY LEGS HAVE GONE WOBBLY!* -throws a bad pinfall-. *shit... okie... ignore them..* -somehow spares it-.

Wasn't too bad overall. Got 46 out of 98 or smt. Not very good, but considering the fact that I took up bowling as a serious sport a year ago, its not too bad =). Hope I can bowl well in the competition.

Oh, I had GP remedial today. really, I ought to have GP everyday, its just that enlightening. My teacher was once again talking to the class, complaining of our attitude, and tell us that people like us deserve to fail, and if we were to pass by some miraculous save from God, we'll get a crappy pass. Yeah, nice teacher right? It helps me perfect that blank look I use whenever she gets into one of these moods (aka. everyday). Really, she was the one who told us to "not say anything when you have nothing nice to say at all", and she's the one telling us that we're her worse class, we suck, we'll never do well, oh no, we;re less than dirt compared to her oh so precious ACJC/RJC ex-students. Well, tough luck. You're in PJC now, not AC/RJ, so deal with it, stop insulting us and try encouraging us once in a while, it works ten times better than insults.

I skipped chemistry remedial... again. I really can;t be bothered to go. I've been falling into this routine of laziness lately. i think I'm burnt out, and its waaaay too quick for me to get burnt out, but I am. I don't feel like studying, I feel like playing and slacking and reading all day long. Not a nice time to feel like this, but meh. Am feeling so. Notgood, need to kick myself in the butt to get myself motivated. *sigh* I better make a promise to myself. Next weekend, I will come up with a revision schedule. And, I will follow that schedule the best I can. i will drag my friends into studying with me so we can motivated each other. I really need to stop this slacking. its gonna be my undoing.

Okie, there's like, waaaaaay too much to write down, so I'll talk about this one LAST incident before I sign off for today. My friend, pearly, has been having spammers on her blog. As in, these spammers are her classmate and that classmate's friend. (seriously, that classmate has the same chinese name as me, she's disgracing the name dammit). really, I don't see the point of just spending your days reading the blog of a person you don't even like.... and spamming her comments box. In the year of the A lvl exams! Don't they HAVE A LIFE?! *sigh* I'm definately protective of my friends, and seeing these people sprout out rubbish from their mouths, I really feel like meeting them one on one and debate the hell out. We'll see who'll win. If not, physical violence is always fine with me =). I can handle it, can they? but really, some of them need manners pounded into them, and some maturity, a cup of commonsense, a handful of brains, and a pinch of humility. Stir well, serves 5.

Okie, I really REALLY have to get going to do my work. its 11.40pm and I'm so many things to do. Will update whenever I feel like it =)

Random Musing

2007-02-24T22:04:00.000+08:00

Ugh... either there's something wrong with my keyboard, or the browser or SOMETHING. I had a helluva time beginning this post...

Anyways, fustration at the problems of computers aside, time to blog =D.

Hmm, random musing, so I shall post about anything and everything under the sun.

Firstly, STUDIES! J2 is actually better than J1 from what I can see so far. There's no PW for one, and that really helps. We have pretty much gotten a grasp of the basics, we have adapted to the long and stressful hours and we now know how to cope with situations. So yeah, I'm actually happier in J2 (so far) than I was in J1. So, why am I still falling asleep in class? This is not good.. definately not good. I soooo need to stay awake more. Must start bringing truckloads of sweets to class and start sleeping early (with midnight being my new bedtime), screw it if I get fat... MUST STAY AWAKE DAMMIT! So yeah, aside from the sleeping-in-class problems, I actually am beginning to like some of my classes. Though that might be because I had a total change of teachers this year. Bio - Photosynthesis isn't as bad as I'd imagine, Genetics is actually FUN =D. Chemistry... inorganic chem is actually kinda okay. Actually, Organic chem is not that bad, but I just cbfed memorising the life outta my notes. Literature is actually kinda fun as well, once I properly internalised the basics learnt from last year, it really isn't so hard. GP... well... I'm failing GP, but its due to laziness on my part than anything else. I blame myself for not reading my times magazine and the content articles given by the teachers, so I'll need to buck up, pronto.

I need to rememeber that I am in JC for good grades, I'm not fighting with my schoolmates, I'm fighting with the NATION, I need to get A's, not passes. I NEED TO DO WELL DAMMIT! So yeah.. need to start to be more serious about my studies.

Hmmm... next on the list. BOWLING =D. I was actually not too interested in bowling for a while *OMG! PAM?! not interested in bowling?! THE WORLD IS ENDING!*... buuuut, I've gotten my drive back =D. The whole fiasco with the Excos, well, I'm not stirring anymore trouble, and they don't mention it either, so we're both pretending that it didn't happen, which is probably for the best. My bowling captain just informed me that for the doubles, I'd probably be paired with her. This is good coz it means that I'm good enough to be paired with her (I hope?). So yeah, we've both reached an unspoken agreement to build as much rapport with each other as possible. On the not-so-nice note, my bowling has deproved (I know there's no such word, but this is MY BLOG, so =P). I can no longer hit 130+++ with ease... in fact, whenever I hit 100+, I breath a sigh of relief, and I'm hitting like 110+ as average. Not good. But then again, I've been feeling extremely fustrated over the scores lately, so I'll just try and relax and focus on the technique for now.

Hmmm... what else? My family... They're kinda fine. The same problem between mom and dad. Again. and I, as usual, am caught in the middle. Kinda like a double agent once you think about it. I choose what information I wish to divulge to each party, and I do try my best to tell all the good stuff and hide all the not-so-nice things. But my parents are stubborn... hey, I need to get my stubborn streak from SOMEWHERE! =P. So yeah, my heart aches for both of them, more for my mom coz I empathize more with her. I'd hate to be the a similiar situation in a few decade;s time. My gran on the other hand, is doing well. The tumor has been removed, the cancer has been bought to the lab to be analysed, and the results back on monday. Shes doing fine, and with the huge amount of painkillers she's been given, she'll be okay. Just hope that the lab result on monday won't be so bad *prays*. Nick also have been doing well academically. He just recieved a volley of severe lectures from the family (myself included) about priorities and such, but other than the usual lack of interest in school from any 14 year old, he's actually pretty good, and I'm proud of him =).

Now, onto my darling. We realised that talking is actually way better than anything else. We had a heart-to-heart talk lately =D. I guess I really am lucky to have him. Its not easy to find a guy that puts up with me, as in the real me, as well as he does. He's able to slip through my mask easily enough, and most importantly, he doesn't run away when he sees the true me. Though he haven';t seen EVERY aspect of the true me yet, I'm just glad he's still here after what he's seen. That I'm not lady-like, even though I can act as the most refined pearl in the world when the occasion demands it. That I am insecure, even though I put on a brave face in front of everybody, including my family. That I am violent, and he even allows me to hit him when I needed an outlet. (I need to get a punching bag I think...). That I am simply not perfect, and he accepts that as part of me. He doesn't simply tolerate them because he likes me, no, he accepts them as part of me and for that, I adore him. I won't use the word 'love'. That is a strong word and I refuse to throw it left right and centre like so many people nowadays, and I think I'll only ever use that word in regards to my husband and my family. Not love, but definately something close to that.

Anyways, I'll end off on this mushy, cliche, totally-out-of-a-romance-novel note and will update the next time I felt like it. For some reason, I woke up from my nap that I didn't really need but wanted, feeling totally revitalised, and raring to go to tackle every singly challenge thrown at me, feeling the most clear headed than I have been in the past few YEARS, and willing to change myself in order to better myself, and that, I will strive to do.

Respect is VERY important

2007-02-05T01:00:00.000+08:00

I shall happily post a post on respect as, having experienced the senario where a leader isn't showing respect to their peers, I have to say that Respect is VERY IMPORTANT in life, especially to a Leader. Now, why did I highlight leaders? Well, Leaders are in a position of power, however, they're only as powerful as their followers. And how do they gain followers? by Showing respect and being responsible. Look at it this way, We elect a leader, and we can choose whether we want to follow that leader, and a leader have to PROVE to us little ones if they're worth following, and they do that by being a good leader, by showing respect.

As I recall from my leadership camp, a leader is practically a slave to the general population. They call it servant leadership. A leader is suppose to do whatever it is in their power to ensure that the others are nice and happy, and that a leader has a long and lonely path.

Now, I got totally and utterly PEEVED during bowling training on Friday. For those who actually knows me, this is actually really weird. For one, I totally love bowling, a total and absolute bowling fanatic. For another, aside from my family, I doubt any of my friends have seen me mad before (hey, and I was really trying to contain my anger at that point..).

Apparently, The Excos have agreed that my Boyfriend and I have been getting a tad bit too close during training (A few hugs here and there to cheer each other up, we all have our bad days... even more so for us coz competition is near and we have high expectations for ourselves). So, Instead of being RESPONSIBLE, MATURE and RESPECTFUL, they totally disregarded our feelings and started to think about bringing up the matter to our CTs to handle. When, just nicely, our coach told them that it wasn;t needed that that he will tell us himself. Now, when I found out, I was a little peeved, after all, who likes to know that they're being talked about avidly behind their back? I asked a dear friend of mine who happens to be in the Exco, and he said that the only reason that they didn't inform us of our apparent misconduct was because they didn't know HOW to do so. and here I naively thought that being a leader is to step outta the comfort zone and to do what's right... how silly of me. I was upset, not because of the fact that hugs are seen as wrong (hey, my gal friend from bowling all but raped me last year) but that they didn't respect me as a person and as a team member and tell it to my face that it was wrong. Rather, they went behind my back, and tried to involve higher authorities when they were uncomfortable about the subject. Really, if they actually went to the teachers, I would have quit bowling. There's no point in me being in a CCA where I'm clearly looked down upon, unwanted, and disrespected.

As it is, I'm still seething about the way I was treated, especially when my personal message displayed my displeasure about respect being important, and my captain's message flashing back saying that if I wanted respect, I ought to earn it and that i wasn't the only one with a boyfriend. I can only assume that she never did attend the same type of leadership course as I did about servant leadership and how leaders ought to show respect before being given respect. Now, I suppose that there's not much I can do other than to bite my tongue till it bleeds, coz I doubt that there will be any other way in which I will really shut up about this. I'll rant more if and when I feel like it, but as if now, its way too late and there's school tomorrow. So, for today, the rant shall be over until such that my emotions gets riled up again.

Intro

2007-02-05T00:55:00.000+08:00

I suppose that I ought to intro myself first. I'm an 18 year old female. Studying in Singapore and in a Junior College at that (aka. Hell on Earth). I'm in the School Bowling team, and My subjects are mathematics, Chemistry, Biology and Minor Literature. I have a brother, a set of parents, a set of paternal grandparents and 2 turtles living with me, though I'm hardly home... due to the killer schedule of school. I'm a harry Potter Fanatic, and enjoys reading, bowling, chatting and watching TV, I'll post more about myself after I rant about crap..